First Friday Find: _stevenwilson

~ Sara W. ~ Leave a comment

It just so happens that _stevenwilson is my brother.  Well, technically speaking, it is my brother’s Instagram account.  Perhaps you’re wondering why my brother qualifies as a First Friday Find?  I didn’t just find my brother nor did I recently stubble upon his Instagram account.  He and I go back to my birth and I’ve been following his Instagram account since it’s inception a little over six months ago.  However, what I found recently, in regards to _stevenwilson, is that his work is moving beyond a hobby and becoming a true talent that has the potential to make a difference.  Nepotism aside, I would be doing my readers an injustice if I didn’t share his talent here.  And, if you’re not on Instagram, have no fear!  You can access his wave art on-line through Enjoygram.

_stevenwilson

His Instagram account is centered almost entirely around the shots he grabs of waves in the Pacific Ocean using his GoPro HERO4 BLACK.  It’s been incredible to watch the progression of his work become something truly spectacular.  As a result, he’s had requests for copies of his prints and various people asking to feature his work.  Recently, he partnered up with Coastal Playground.  Coastal Playground has a 50/50 program where 50% of the proceeds from products sold are given to organizations that work to keep beaches clean and educate the public on related issues.  So, now, if you want to have one of _stevenwilson’s stellar wave shots in your home, you can order a poster or canvas and 50% of the proceeds will go to a worthy cause.  I personally think it’s such a beautiful thing when people utilize their talents to better the world around them, so you can imagine how proud I am of my brother.

_stevenwilson2

Another thing that’s evolved, since _stevenwilson began this new venture, is an Instagram account that embraces all the imperfections.  As we know, not all artwork is a slam dunk.  Movies have outtakes, literature has drafts, and music has cuts.  Photography is no different.  A few wave photography buddies, including _stevenwilson, have started an account called bottombarrelcrew.  Bottom Barrel Crew gives you a glimpse of the behind the scenes world of wave photography.  Plus, you get to learn a little bit more about the players in the local scene for Southern California.

I’m so happy that my brother has found his passion.  He always enjoyed being out in the ocean, but turning it into something more than a personal experience has been awesome to witness.  It reminds me of the quote by William Shakespeare, “The meaning of life is to find your gift.  The purpose of life is to give it away.”  Thanks for sharing your gift with the rest of us, _stevenwilson.  I’m sure our Mom is so proud, as we all are, of you.

Mom Season

~ Sara W. ~ 3 Comments

There are holiday seasons and seasons of the year, but starting April 20 of each year a different sort of “season” begins for me.  I have yet to give it an official name.  It lasts roughly three weeks.  This “season” was not even in existence prior to 2008.  The catalyst for this “season,” let’s call it Mom Season for lack of a better name, was April 20, 2008 – the day my mom passed away.

Now, why would Mom Season begin as soon as my mom passed?  Well, for one reason, I had to carry on as a mom without a mom.  Two days after my mom’s passing, I still had to put on a smiling face to celebrate my eldest daughter’s second birthday even though my heart had broken in ways I could never have understood previously.  Three days after my daughter’s birthday, I attended my mother’s funeral where I lead the procession of men carrying my mom’s casket and gave a talk about my mom.  Two weeks and a day after the funeral, I went to the hospital for preterm labor for the fifth time during that pregnancy.  This fifth time left me stuck in the hospital for 4 days on bed rest.  In that four days time, when I wasn’t completely doped up on magnesium, I spent several hours lying their alone aching over the loss of my mom.  Then two weeks and three days after the passing of my mom, our second daughter was born 6 weeks early and taken off to the NICU before I even had a chance to hold her.  I remember sitting there alone after delivering her, my husband and daughter off in the NICU, and wanting so badly to call my mom and tell her the news of her granddaughter’s arrival.  Of course, my mom knew the news already.  Two days after her birth, I had to be discharged from the hospital leaving my daughter in the NICU.  This day also happened to be, what should have been, my mom’s 56th birthday.  Two days following my discharge from the hospital was Mother’s Day.  It was my very first Mother’s Day without my mom and I spent it with my time split between holding our premature daughter in the NICU and snuggling with my two-year-old daughter at home.  Mother’s Day marks the end of Mom Season for me.

I thought it would just be that year where the whole three week period would be an emotional roller coaster.  I didn’t expect to feel such contrasting emotions around the first year anniversary nor every other anniversary since.  It wasn’t that I didn’t expect to remember each of these significant dates, I guess I just thought I would be better at separating them.  It’s just tough.  It’s this period of time where I get to focus on the blessing of two beautiful daughters being born into our family, but I also can’t ignore the emptiness I still feel over the loss of my mom.  Why her death date, her birth date, and Mother’s Day all have to fall so close, I’m not sure I understand.  A part of me has felt that maybe it was a tender mercy from Heavenly Father to have such tough times juxtaposed next to two joyous occasions.  A tangible reminder of the circle of life?  A purpose for moving forward when my life, as I knew it at the time, seemed so bleak?  I try to look at it that way, but it’s hard not to feel like the wounds have been reopened when I face these dates at the same time commercials and e-mails advertise how I should “Get Mom Something Special This Year.”

This post has no real message, it is more a cathartic exercise to help me sort out the difficult feelings I face each year during Mom Season.  Today, being April 21, I sit between mourning my mom’s loss all over again and celebrating the beautiful daughter that I, with my husband, have the privilege of raising.  When it comes to the loss of my mom, I rarely spend too much time thinking about the “could have been” moments in life, as those thoughts tend to beget more sorrow in me.  Rather, I think of the “one day” moments.  One day, I will be back with my mom.  One day, I will feel her embrace again.  One day, she and I will replay the countless inside jokes we had together.  One day, I will dance with her again.  One day, I will watch her interact with her grandchildren and watch her face fill up with joy as she revels at how incredibly beautiful and funny they are to be around.  One day, I will hear her laughter again and I will laugh too, because that’s the affect that her laughter had on all those who knew her  One day, I will talk with her about all the things I’ve learned as a mom that I never understood as a child.  One day, Mom Season will not be something I have to process.  One day, it will just be an eternal life where I can live with my mom and as a mom simultaneously.

One day…

Mom Season

First You Must Begin Updates

~ Sara W. ~ 2 Comments

Whew!  I’m making it in under the wire to keep with my one post a week goal.  There was only one week that I missed since I set this goal for myself and it was the week that I had the Stroke of Luck.  I think that’s a fair enough reason to go dark for a week, don’t you?  That being said, this post hardly counts as legit.  I’m merely writing to give you a couple First You Must Begin updates.

First, I have set up an Instagram account specifically for FYMB.  If you are on Instagram, I would love to have you follow me at FIRST_YOU_MUST_BEGIN.

On an entirely different note, I felt this urge to give you all an update on the status of  my post from last week Who Do I Want to Be?.  In that post, I set a total of five goals for myself: eat only one burger a week, stop yelling, read my scriptures daily, say my morning prayers, and cut my restaurant budget by 20% per week.  I’m close to wrapping up week number two and this is my report.  This is me keeping it real!

I have stuck with my one burger a week.  I almost caved today out of convenience on the way home from CostCo.  Costco took longer than expected and I wanted to keep my toddler awake on the way home, so I almost went through Drive-Thru to make life easier.  Nay, nay.  I held strong.

I need to get the swear jar and use pebbles in place of money, as I never have cash on hand.  Each pebble will represent 25 cents.  I’m thinking when the jar gets full, I’ll transfer the pebbles to cash and put it in my kids savings.  Since I have yet to purchase a jar or pebbles, I really don’t know how I did.  I do know though that I had to catch myself at least five times in the past 10 days.

Scripture study was hit or miss.  Honestly, it was probably worse these past couple weeks than it has been in the past.  Usually, I can at least count on family scripture study with my kids before school, and even that we were pretty lazy about these past few days.  My eldest began taking uni-cycling classes before school twice a week and it’s messed with our morning routine a bit.  I need to come up with a new plan, and I fear it involves me waking up earlier.

As for kneeling down for my morning prayers – WOW.  Thursday of last week I was an absolute wreck.  It’s worth noting that this day did not start with prayer.  I can’t count how many times I screamed inwardly at every little thing in my life that did not flow smoothly.  Those five times of yelling, that I mentioned above, may have very well all happened in that same Thursday.  I was just a mess.  The following morning on Friday, I rolled straight out of bed and onto my knees for my prayers.  We spent that day traveling to Portland and we had a few hiccups in the day.  Had it been the previous Thursday, I would have flipped my lid.  However, on this Friday that began with prayer, I felt oddly at peace.  I kept watching myself handle things calmly and thinking it was such a contrast from the day before.  It wasn’t until the end of the day that it hit me.  The biggest difference between the two days was how I started it.  Starting my day off with humble prayer made such a difference for the better!  Each day that I remembered to start with prayer had a similar outcome.  I really felt more at peace on those days than I could have anticipated.

As for the restaurant budget, well, let’s see…um…well…yeah, I got nothing.  BIG FAT FAIL.  Last weekend we were in Portland so we ate every single meal out.  This week was a touch better, but since I have yet to actually figure out what 20% less equates to, I can’t provide an honest answer on my success.  Oops.

A couple reasons I wanted to offer an update is because I really was impressed by how much of an impact doing my morning prayers had on my daily life AND I wanted everyone to know that I am just trying the best I can.  I am not a woman of answers.  I am just a woman trying to find the best way that I can to live a positively purposeful life.  Anything I suggest on this site is as much of a suggestion for myself as it is for anyone that stops by to read a bit.  Usually the things that I set out to accomplish on this site prove fruitful.  I hope the same proves right for you.

What it comes down in regards to these First You Must Begin updates is that I am doing what is stated in Ephesians 6:18 – “Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication….”  I’m trying to make a difference in the world around me through this blog and by the actions I make in my daily life.  I stumble.  I fall.  I pray.  I persevere.

Prayer and Perseverance

Who Do I Want to Be?

~ Sara W. ~ 3 Comments

Recently, I listened to a talk given by a religious leader, Dale G. Renlund, which spoke about our ability to try to be something more than what we are now, persevering in our efforts to do so, and being patient with others who are striving to do the same.  The essence of the talk was that our focus should be more about who we are now and what we are becoming rather than what we once were.  In his talk, Renlund quoted a line from As You Like It by William Shakespeare.  In the scene, the eldest brother, Oliver, is being questioned as to whether or not he plotted to kill his younger brother, Orlando.  He responds to the inquiry with, “‘Twas I, but ’tis not I.  I do not shame to tell you what I was, since my conversion so sweetly tasted, being the thing I am.”  In modern terms, Oliver is expressing that he did plot to kill Orlando and he has no shame in confessing it, as he knows he has since been converted from his evil ways.  As I listened to the line from Shakespeare, I kept repeating the words in my mind, “‘Twas I, but ’tis not I,” and then I asked myself, “who am I now and who am I no longer?”  I’m thinking now, though, that the best question to ask would be, “who do I want to be?”

So many different thoughts race to my mind when I ask myself, “who do I want to be?”  The overwhelming thought being that I would like to be healthy.  My greatest desire for myself is to be physically, emotionally, spiritually, and financially healthy.  When I put it that way, though, I see the list, get overwhelmed, and prevent myself from trying at anything at all.  Then, I get the idea that maybe if I just pick one thing that is of the utmost importance it will have an affect on the other categories?  Or better yet, maybe I need to pick just one thing to improve upon from each category?  The physically healthy category should be the easiest, as right now I’m at Level Zero, despite the fact that Master Shifu in Kung Fu Panda claims, “There is no such thing as Level Zero.”  The other categories may be a little more challenging.

Fitness

Physically Healthy

I recently posted the image above on my Facebook timeline because, while this is not actually a picture of me, it is me to a T.  Would you like some proof?  Go ahead and type ‘burger’ in the Search field on the top right side of my website and see how many posts reference my love for burgers.  While the image perfectly captures my current stance on fitness and burger intake, I am embarrassed that I make light of the topic so much.  Contrary to my actions, I really do believe in the importance of being physically healthy.  My road to being physically healthy will look different than your road, as cheeseburgers may not be your weak spot.  So, if you are seeking a healthier lifestyle, then ask yourself what steps need to be taken to make that a reality.  I have plenty of things I can improve upon in the realm of diet and exercise.  If I’m only picking one, I think I’ll go with only allowing myself one burger a week.  Yes, this is a challenge for me.  Remember, Level Zero.

I’m picking this one over an exercise related one, as my cholesterol numbers are less than favorable.  After the Stroke of Luck, they did some customary blood work.  In the past, my numbers were of borderline concern, but these new numbers were embarrassing.  I did learn that postpartum cholesterol numbers are skewed, but to avoid added risk post-stroke, they placed me on cholesterol medicine.  Apparently, cholesterol numbers do not level out to an accurate reading until one year out from delivery.  This means that in July I have the chance to get off of cholesterol medication.  While I am a big supporter of medicine, I think it’s silly to be on medicine for something that can be controlled with proper diet and exercise.  So, long story short, I’m starting with my cutback on cheeseburgers.  I’m going to imagine that in five years from now somebody will confront me with, “Did you once eat so many cheeseburgers that you were on cholesterol medicine?”  Then I can respond, “‘Twas I, but ’tis not I.”

Who Do I Want to Be

Emotionally Healthy

I often wonder what “level” I would be at in the emotionally healthy realm if I did not suffer from Bi-polar II?  Mental illness is a tricky beast because sometimes you fall for the old-fashioned beliefs that if you just do XY&Z, then you can be cured from such an illness without medication ever being needed.  I don’t doubt that doing XY&Z can lessen the blow of a low in the depression cycle, but I’ve yet to witness a natural solution in my nine years with the illness.  So, what other options do I have in this category?  I would like to stop yelling at my kids.

I am not a frequent yeller, but the fact that I yell at all upsets me.  I may be the worst type of yeller, because I don’t yell at all people.  I imagine a person that yells at everyone in their life just doesn’t know any better.  But if I do not yell at strangers, nor my husband, nor my friends or extended family, then I must know better.  My children are the only ones that seem to get my wrath.  I hate it.  It’s such an ugly trait.  It’s definitely less than it once was, but I have yet to eradicate yelling from our home.  I’m not even going to excuse it, per my previous post No Excuses, No Explanations.  No excuses; just solutions here today.  How about a “Yell Jar” instead of a “Swear Jar”?  Heck, this could end up helping me with being financially healthy.  I may have enough money to buy myself something nice.

Spiritually Healthy

If I had to pick a category that I was the healthiest in, it would probably be this one.  However, I am still lacking plenty.  I’ve always been good about bedtime and mealtime prayers, but morning prayer tends to be a hard one for me.  Mainly because I am not a morning person.  I stay in my bed as long as humanly possible, thus not allowing for a couple extra minutes for morning prayer before having to tend to children.  However, studying the scriptures can be just as crucial as morning prayer in becoming spiritually healthy.  Ugh!  It’s a toss up.  Perhaps I will cheat in this category and do two?  Morning prayer and scripture study combined are likely to have the greatest impact on improving my health in all categories.  For the non-Christians out there, a good alternative may be to add time for meditation to your daily routine.

Financially Healthy

Remember my love for cheeseburgers?  Well, I don’t eat them at home.  I eat them at my favorite restaurants.  It turns out that eating out adds up when you have five other companions joining you.  Meals out are pricey with our family size.  Eating out is a huge weakness of mine.  I would much rather spend money on eating a meal out with my family than buying myself a new outfit.  I don’t even have the courage to admit to the amount of money spent from our budget on eating out.  Let’s just say that I will cut down on our restaurant budget and frequency by at least 20%.  Whew.  That feels like a lot to swallow.  I suppose with my burger cutback, this may happen naturally.

It’s as I suspected, improving something in one category has an affect on other categories.  As mentioned in It’s a Habit!, the average length it takes for something to become a habit is 66 days.  To help me with my goal, I just went and installed the app HabitBull on my smartphone.  Only three of the five changes mentioned are really habit forming.  I added the following habits to HabitBull: daily scripture study, daily morning prayer, and a one burger a week tracker.  The yelling will be managed by the “Yell Jar” and the 20% cut in restaurant budget will be tracked through You Need A Budget (YNAB).

Wish me luck in helping me become who I want to be.  Thankfully, like Oliver in As You Like It, I do believe that I can be converted, as I have seen changes already in my life from what I once was.  What a remarkable thing it is to be able to grow and develop into something more than we are today.  Think of all the opportunities that lay before you, if you just ask yourself, “Who do I want to be?,” and then strive to become that person.

First Friday Find: eShakti

~ Sara W. ~ Leave a comment

Once upon a time, I tried to wear my clothing in a way that would accentuate the fact that I was large busted.  I did this mainly to keep people, mostly guys, from noticing that I also happened to have a large waist.  Through the years, I’ve matured enough to understand that immodest clothing captures the wrong type of attention.  I believe that modest clothing is actually more attractive than being scantily clad.  I echo Emma Watson’s belief that, “the less you reveal the more people can wonder.”  The problem is that cute modest clothing is hard to come by.  There are a few companies out there that cater to a modest audience, but eShakti has been the most appealing in options and pricing in my search thus far.

eShakti is an online clothing website that offers hundreds of clothing options, mostly dresses, that you can customize.  At the encouragement of a friend, I signed up on their website and started my search for the perfect dress.  Before I even had a chance to narrow my search down, a coupon for $40 OFF and free customization (a customarily $7.50 fee if you want it to fit your exact measurements) arrived in my e-mail Inbox.  I was stoked as most dresses were already fairly priced.  My problem was nailing it down to one dress.

Floral Embellished A line Poplin Dress

I decided on the dress shown above, though the color I purchased it in is no longer available.  The dress shown is already modest.  However, I am self-conscious of my arms, so I wanted something with sleeves.  No problem.  There are multiple sleeve lengths to choose from.  You can also choose dress length, necklines, and the option of pockets (who doesn’t love pockets?) depending on certain dresses.  Most of their clothing can be customized, but not all.  Since the specific customization fee was being waived, I went ahead and had my friend do my measurements.  That’s always a humbling experience.  However, I made the mistake of doing my measurements with my clothes on and I feel like I may have overestimated my size.  The dress arrived today and it seems less flattering in the waist than I had hoped for.  Of course, there is the reality to face that my body is less flattering than it used to be in my eyes.

eShakti Poplin Dress

I do like the dress, but I will admit that I don’t LOVE it.  So, why am I still pumped enough about eShakti to share it here for my First Friday Find?  Well, for one thing, the price is right.  I paid $26.31 total, including shipping from India.  The shipping alone cost $11.95.  The dress was originally $79.95, but it was on sale for $55.95.  My friend tells me there is always a sale of some sort available on the site.  Then, I had the $40 OFF coupon just for signing up on the website.  Then, my friend informed me that you get an additional 10% OFF if you order from their website on your smartphone.  So, I loaded up my order, put in all my measurements, and then went on my phone to submit my order and received an additional $1.59 off.  Huzzah!

Another reason that I am sharing the site even though I’m not completely in love, is because I feel like some of it is my fault.  As I mentioned before, I am not confident my measurements were accurate having done them with several layers on.  Lucky me; they included a measuring ribbon in my package.  I plan to recheck all of my measurements.  My husband is more than willing to assist.  Lastly, I know that I am evaluating the dress through my self-conscious eyes.  I generally feel uncomfortable in light and bright colors.  I was determined, however, not to go the usual slimming black route.

Lastly, the quality seems legit.  I haven’t been able to give it the usual wear and tear test yet, but it seems it will hold up nicely.  I didn’t find any snags in the embellishments nor were there any loose threads.  And the surprisingly fun perk of this dress?  Having the tag show no size number, only the word “custom.”

Overall, I am pleased with my purchase, especially for the price, but not thrilled!  However, I’m looking forward to making another purchase with the hopes of thrilling results!  If you happen to sign up on their website and snag yourself a beautiful deal, please share it here!  I would love to hear about the experiences of others!  Happy shopping!

Personal Rant on Blogging

~ Sara W. ~ Leave a comment

Since transferring my blog from Blogger to WordPress, I’ve learned a lot more about Search Engine Optimization (SEO).  What I’ve learned is that I suck at it.  Successful blogging is harder than it seems.  Blogging is easy enough, but being successful at it is another thing.  Of course, you first need to figure out what type of success you are seeking.  Monetary gain or level of popularity?  Coincidentally, the latter naturally begets the former, assuming you have ads running on your blog.  There was a brief point when I wanted to make my focus monetary, but I quickly learned that I lost my greater purpose when I set my sights on profit.  So, while I admit, I would be quite pleased to contribute in bringing income into our home, that is no longer my goal.  So, does that leave me seeking popularity, as my measurement for success?  I suppose any writer dreams of a large following, do they not?  I imagine those that do not keep their writing confined to a journal.  So, yes popularity plays a part in my idea of a successful blog.  However, I tire of what needs to be done to get people to come to my blog in the first place.  It sometimes feels deceptive.  So, today I present to you my personal rant on blogging…

Images

You gotta have them!  Publishing a post without an image is blogging suicide.  The image isn’t just about making the post look prettier, it’s main purpose is to be the catalyst for getting people to come to your blog.  It’s what you put out there on Pinterest and Facebook and any other social media you’ve become a slave to in the blogging process.  It can’t be any image.  It has to be YOUR image, unless you want to fork over money for a stock photo.  I’m sure the money is worth it if you have income coming in, but that’s not the case in my world.  There are rare instances when a royalty free image will suffice, so I shouldn’t gripe too much.  However, an image really isn’t even enough.  It needs to be a high quality image, potentially staged, with some darling text that says just enough to leave the reader intrigued.  So, now it’s not just about the writing, it’s about the hook.  It’s about becoming a better photographer (or finding a better photographer), then learning editing programs (assuming you have any such programs), and then realizing the image becomes half the work in publishing a simple post.  Worst yet, it rarely turns out as you hope it will.

SEO

Blasted SEO!  I liked it better when I lived in ignorance.  Meta description? Focus Keyword? Flesch Reading Ease? Seriously!?  Why is it that I have to follow this set of guidelines just to get readers to even notice the existence of my site?  I suppose I get it.  SEO is just about giving you the upper hand in the great big world of the Internet, but still.  Writing seemed more fun when I didn’t have to word everything in such a way that Google would deem me approved for a top option when a reader searched keywords.  I enjoyed believing that people were sitting in their homes typing words in the search field and First You Must Begin came up as the answer regardless of the topic they were seeking.

Titles & Taglines

It seems every blog these days offers you “5 Ways to…,” “6 Easy Tricks…,” and “10 Trusted Tips….”  If you want to get people to come to your site, you better have a number in the title!  The worst part is that the number thing works.  I hate that it works.  I hate that if I see “8 Ways to Teach Your Kids About XY&Z,” I’ve gotta click on it, as I must know these 8 ways that this random person believes are essential.  I.  Must.  Know.  I fall for it every time.  The other one that kills me, although this is more video related, is the tagline, “What you see next will leave you in tears….”  Really?!  Will it leave me in tears?  I never know if THIS video will in fact leave me in tears, or leave me shocked, or leave me laughing, or whatever other emotion I will most assuredly feel.  Nine times out of ten, I ignore the video.  But if it comes up in my FB feed via friends more than twice, I succumb to their tagline ploys and then curse myself for doing so.

Post Frequency

The worst way to not have continual traffic is to do what I do – post once a week.  It seems you gotta be pumping out the awesomeness virtually daily to keep people interested.  This is where I admire all of those avid bloggers.  How do they do it?  How do they come up with stuff to write about every single day?  Is it original content at all?  I’m learning that I must not be very original, because new thoughts and ideas are not flooding my brain at the same rate as these other bloggers.  I cut myself a little bit of slack, as I don’t really have a concrete topic I’m putting out there.  It’s not like I’m doing a home, or fashion, or travel blog, that has various how-to’s, products, and destinations to discuss.  I’m trying to share insight, insight that comes merely from my personal experiences, and no Masters degree to prove I may have something worthwhile to share.  Frequency will be my nemesis as long as I blog, or at least as long as I have four children to raise.  I’m left with only enough energy to frequently tend to my family.  Blogging will always take a backseat to that.  Plus, I don’t want readers to feel like I’m constantly showing up in their news feed or Inbox with a lengthy post that will just keep them away from living their lives to the fullest.  Lets just take a moment once a week to catch up and then get back to living that purposeful life I’m always talking about.

Actual Content

Once you’ve duped the reader into clicking on to your website, then you have to make sure you deliver on your promise.  I don’t know whether or not I provide the reader what they’re seeking.  That’s for the reader to decide.  What I do know is that this is the part of blogging that I enjoy.  The writing.  Scratch that, not just writing.  The writing of things I believe in, feelings I have, experiences that have helped me to grow, that’s the part I love.  That is my purpose, as it were.  That is what I want more than monetary gain or popularity.  I want to send a piece of me off into the Internet abyss and hope that it will somehow help someone who maybe feels insecure, lonely, lost, hopeless, or discouraged.  And if, by chance, the reader is as confident and happy as ever, my prayer is that one of my blog posts will help them to recognize the opportunity they have to be something more than who they were yesterday.  That is my cause.

Work for a Cause

I don’t need the applause, but it seems as though without a significant amount of applause or techniques to become a top viewed site, my cause might not make it to the reader that needs it.  I suppose though that I do not need to reach many, I just need to reach one.  I recently read that a journalist once questioned Mother Teresa about her hopeless task of rescuing all those in need and her rebuttal was that her work was about love, not statistics.  I stand to learn a lot from that ideal.  I want my writing to be about love, not statistics.  I suppose I’ll have to decide what level of cooperation I’m willing to do with images, SEO, titles & taglines, and post frequency in my effort to spread the love, but not lose sight of my cause.  I can only hope that when a reader finally finds their way to my site that the actual content will be worth the wait.

Worthy of Love and Belonging

~ Sara W. ~ 1 Comment

Last Thursday, I had one of those moments with my eldest that reminded me that I had Enrolled in Parenting 505.  A simple task that I had given my daughter to do turned into a yelling match for some reason I still don’t understand.  I ended up embarrassed by my own role in the argument and hurt by the words that my daughter yelled at me.  It wasn’t pretty.  We didn’t end on a bad note, but the sting of my hurt stuck with me and I went to my room and cried, once she had gone to bed.  It’s moments like these that I wish I could will my mom to be alive so that I could call her and be comforted.  Thankfully, I had the forethought to reach out to another mom who is always good about reminding me of my worth and how we’re all imperfect people trying to do our best.  However, I still somehow managed to forget her words of encouragement as the evening passed and I went to bed with a series of self-loathing thoughts and tear-stained cheeks.  A few days later, I was reminded of something I read in one of my favorite books, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are by Brene Brown, “If we want to fully experience love and belonging, we must believe we are worthy of love and belonging.”

I don’t know how one grows to feel unworthy of love and belonging.  I don’t think there is some statistic that ties such a thing to something like “being breast fed versus bottle fed” and, if there was, I wouldn’t believe it anyway.  You can’t isolate feelings of unworthiness down to one source, so I see no point in trying to figure it out.  But, sadly, I am a victim of believing myself unworthy of love and belonging.  I can say with certainty that these feelings were felt long before any diagnosis of depression or Bipolar II Disorder.  Before you go worrying about me, I know in theory I am worthy of being loved and accepted.  Most of us know that in theory, right?  Also, I don’t want people worrying that I grew up without “I love you” and support from my family, because I did have all of that.  Again, I don’t know the source of these feelings, but the fact is that I somehow have deemed myself unworthy of love and belonging.

Worthy of Love and Belonging

The scariest part of coming to terms with how I feel about myself is realizing that, based on our last argument, my daughter appears to be having a similar view of herself.  My daughter was able to articulate herself in such a way that I knew the source of her words had to do with her feeling unworthy of love and belonging.  While I don’t go blaming my parents for my feelings of unworthiness, I certainly blame myself for my daughter feeling this way.  I don’t know if that’s unfair or justified for me to do so, but if my eight-year-old feels like less than enough, then I cannot separate myself from that.  Now the question is, what do I do with the knowledge that my daughter and I are facing a similar struggle of believing we are unworthy of love and belonging?

There are several points that Brown makes in her book The Gifts of Imperfection, but I think a big one for my eldest daughter and myself is that we confuse guilt and shame.  If I boldly reprimand my daughter, her instant response is to cry out, “I’m a bad person!” or “I’m the worst kid ever!”  Mind you, I have said nothing about her character in my disciplining nor any such thing about her being a bad person or child.  I merely pointed out that she didn’t listen or that she made a bad choice.  She is the one that turns it into, “I’m a bad person.”  I am quick to correct her about the difference between shame (I am bad) versus guilt (I did something bad).  The interesting part is that I find it so absurd that she takes my disciplining and turns it into a five-alarm situation of self-loathing.  But, guess what?  I do that too.  I don’t cry out with wailing and gnashing of teeth, but I sure as heck go to my room and tell myself what a horrible person I am for yelling at my daughter.  Then to make sure I really give myself the proper punishment, I begin to tell myself all the other aspects of life that I am horrible at.  I am a horrible wife, because I don’t prepare dinner.  I am a horrible at-home Mom, because my children watch too much TV.  I am a horrible friend, because I don’t serve others enough.  I am horrible with finances, because I like to eat out.  You get the idea.  I’m really good at this self-loathing thing.  Well, well, well, looky there!  I just gave myself a compliment.  At least we know I’m good at something – shaming myself.

Here’s the best part – I just had this epiphany of the similarities between my daughter and I while I was typing this post.  That’s how blind I’ve been to hers and my struggle.  I recall my therapist trying to teach me the difference between shame and guilt years ago, because she saw that my confusion between the two was having a damaging affect.  I didn’t understand how I was mixing the two up in my daily life nor did I grasp the negative affect it was having on my emotional wellbeing, until now.  I understood the difference in theory, but I did not understand their difference in practice.  Does that even make sense?  It’s the same thing with feeling worthy.  I logically understand that, as a person, I am worthy, but I don’t feel worthy.  Just like I get the difference in the definitions between guilt and shame, but I don’t recognize when I am mixing the two up in my daily life.  I honestly did not get it until this very moment.  ::mind blown::  I am behaving in the same absurd manner as my daughter is when she takes my discipline and turns it into believing that she’s a bad person.  I throw the same fit.  I just do it in a more controlled manner and somehow I’ve convinced myself that that is okay.  Oh my gosh!  I now get why my husband gets so frustrated with me when I share my self-loathing with him.  He sees how absurd it is for me to believe myself a bad person for having made a mistake in a particular moment.  He knows better.

So, is confusion between shame and guilt the only cause of feeling unworthy?  No.  But it certainly doesn’t help my situation if I’m turning my mistakes into a blanket statement of me being an awful person.  It’s no wonder I feel unworthy of such love and belonging.  Woah.  This is a lot to process.  I guess the first step would be to catch myself in the action and teach myself to separate shame and guilt.  My husband is always good about stopping me in my tracks when my self-loathing begins, but he’s not always with me.  He simply says one line, “Put the phone down,” to get me to stop speaking negatively about myself.  His line is in reference to the fact that he once told me that my self-loathing is like having Satan on speed dial, calling him up, listening intently as he whispers all these terrible things about me, and then foolishly believing him.  So when I get going on my laundry list of reasons why I am “less than,” my husband quickly tells me to, “Put the phone down.”  It works every time.  I can be redirected, because in theory I know I am worth being loved.  The breakdown occurs when I’m alone with my thoughts, I pull up my speed dial, and suddenly Satan and I are catching up on old times.

I know that I am loved and accepted.  I’d like to believe that my daughter knows she is as well, as I try to show her often and tell her regularly.  However, she and I both seem to have some miscommunication between what we know and what we feel.  As a mother to this special little girl, I’ve struggled greatly with knowing how to raise her when I feel like I haven’t even figured myself out.  How do you teach a child about self-esteem when you seem to have so little regard for your own?  How do you teach a child about healthy living, when you struggle with proper diet and exercise?  I don’t know the answers to these questions.  My only hope is that open communication with her about my weaknesses and imperfections will help her to realize we are all imperfect individuals, but we are also beautiful and incredible people trying to do our best.  Perfection and worth are exclusive of one another.  I do not have to be perfect to be worthy of love and belonging.  The sooner I can learn to separate the two, the sooner I can help my daughter on her path.  We are all worthy of love and belonging, when we believe that in practice, and not just theory, we will free ourselves up to fully experience those same beautiful emotions.

Life Bucket List – Watch the Sunrise on Another Continent

~ Sara W. ~ 1 Comment

Remember that time 5 months ago when I said I would share with you some of my Life Bucket List items that I had already completed?  Well, I’m finally being true to my word.  I’m trying to do the ‘R’ from my post Your Life is an Occasion and Recommit myself to some items I have let go during the last few months.  My blog being only a fraction of the aspects of my life that I’ve left unattended.  So, without further ado, I present to you the experience surrounding the completion of #37 on My Life Bucket List – watch the sunrise on another continent.

Eleven years ago, I worked for a subprime mortgage company as an Executive Assistant.  The company held annual trips as a reward for their top sellers.  To be fair to the rest of us peons, they had a drawing that all of the Executive Assistants could be included in for a chance to join the company on the trip.  This particular year the destination was Barcelona, Spain.  I could hardly believe that I even had a small chance of going on this trip.  Sadly, my name was not drawn.  However, the woman whose name was drawn had gone the year prior and she didn’t think it seemed fair that she should attend two years in a row.  She encouraged the executives to draw another name.  I was in utter shock when my name was drawn.  I can still remember how I practically sprinted to my office phone to call my husband and inform him that we needed to get our passports ASAP so that we could go on our virtually free trip to Barcelona.  The trip included our airfare, our hotel accommodations (at Hotel Arts Barcelona, a Ritz Carlton Hotel), transportation to/from the hotel, massages upon our arrival, free breakfast daily, one excursion of our choosing, a city tour, and two nights of lavish dinner parties.  It was a dream come true.

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At the time of our trip, I had already made a Life Bucket List that included my desire to watch the sunrise on another continent.  A trip of this magnitude seemed like the perfect opportunity to make it happen.  Neither my husband nor myself had ever been on another continent so it was a magical experience from beginning to end.  The trip was dripping with so many extravagant experiences that could only have been brought to you by a company that clearly mismanaged their funds, and we soaked up every last bit of it.

On the morning of our second to the last day in Barcelona, we set the alarm so that we could head down to the beach and watch the sunrise.  The last thing I wanted to do was miss it, so I made sure we went down plenty of time in advance.  The problem is, I think we headed down too early.  It felt like that darn sun would never rise.  We were both so tired, as the time change was still messing with us and we were both fighting off colds.  It was a special memory, nonetheless.  Plus, now we can say that we watched the sun rise over the Balearic Sea, which I believe would be considered a portion of the Mediterranean Sea.  I’ll be honest, I’m not savvy with geography.  What I do know for certain though is that we were on a different continent.

Barcelona (1)

The thing about any activity we set out to do, as individuals, is that the outcome may surprise us.  I thought I wanted to watch the sunrise on another continent, but it was really that I wanted to visit another continent.  The sunrise just seemed like a fun way to experience it, but I am not a lover of mornings.  Perhaps I should have chosen to watch a sunset instead.  Sometimes the activities we do turn out better than we anticipated, sometimes worse, and other times different in such a way that it creates a set of unexpected memories.  The latter was the case recently, when my Dad & Step-Mom treated Aaron and I to a magic show at our local stage theater.  It was, well,  I guess I’m not sure what it was.  Amateur?  Impressive?  Corny?  Pathetic?  Delightful?  Can such an event be all those things at once?  By the end of the show, after all the laughing and heckling had subsided between my Step-Mom and myself, I decided that when it wasn’t amazing, it was amusing.  The whole night made for an evening I will never forget nor could I have anticipated.

I enjoy the things I learn about myself when I experience something new.  Whether it be a magic show or another bucket list item, I feel alive when I’m out discovering life for myself.  It reminds me of the Helen Keller quote I shared in Journaling the Journey, “I don’t want to live in a hand-me-down world of others’ experiences.  I want to write about me, my discoveries, my fears, my feelings, about me.”  As for this Life Bucket List item, I learned that sunrises are magnificent, if you’re already awake, and that my heart delights in travel.  As Susan Sontag said, “I haven’t been everywhere, but it’s on my list.”

First Friday Find: Walmart Savings Catcher

~ Sara W. ~ Leave a comment

It’s the first Friday of the month, which means it’s time for me to share another thing that I have found useful!  As a reminder, my First Friday Finds are not anything that someone is telling me to share.  I receive no money for these suggestions.  I just enjoy sharing things that have made my life better.  This month’s find is a feature within the Walmart App called Savings Catcher.  I don’t shop at Walmart enough that it would constitute the need for an app, but with this feature it’s become an app that I use regularly.

Walmart Savings Catcher

My friend, who is an avid Walmart shopper, shared this app with me a few weeks ago.  Basically, once you’ve received your receipt from your Walmart shopping trip, you scan the receipt using the Savings Catcher feature in the Walmart app.  Then, the system compares the items on your receipt with local competitors to see if you could have found one of the items cheaper had you purchased it elsewhere.  If a competitor’s price is cheaper, Walmart will reimburse the difference.  Awesome, right?

Let me share my most recent experience using this app feature.  I had a Walmart receipt that consisted of 40 items.  I scanned the receipt and after a period of 3 days (the usual allotted time for the app to complete its task), I was notified that 11 of those 40 items had lower prices elsewhere.  The savings added up to $2.49. The app indicates which competitor beat them and lists the price difference.  In the case of this particular receipt, Safeway and Albertsons had lower prices on baby food, cream cheese, and spaghetti sauce.  The amount may seem minimal, but this has not been my first receipt.  The money adds up and you can transfer the money into a virtual Walmart gift card, as soon as you’re wanting to cash out.  My avid Walmart shopper friend had already tallied up nearly $50 when she first told me about this app.

I confessed to that same friend that using this app feels like I’m playing some sort of lottery.  I secretly get excited about the idea that the app will find something cheaper elsewhere and I’ll get some money coming my way.  Target uses a similar tactic to get you to trust your money with them with their 5% cash back debit card, which I also have in my wallet arsenal.  I think the difference here is that you never know what you’ll get back.  If I look at the percentage of return I have received so far, it’s actually lower than 5%, but you have to take into account that you’re often walking out with the lowest prices you’re going to find in the first place when it comes to Walmart.

Of course, as with all things, there are drawbacks to it.  First, it’s Walmart.  I feel like that sentence speaks for itself.  Second, if it’s a Walmart exclusive item, there isn’t going to be anything to compare with competitors.  Third, it’s Walmart.  Walmart has lower standards.  I know this to be true because I was going to go to Walmart in sweat pants and then decided to put on jeans when we opted to go to Target instead.

Like I said, I don’t always shop at Walmart, but when I do, I use the Savings Catcher.  I sound like a Dos Equis meme, no?

Walmart Meme

I had to include that meme.  It wasn’t the funniest one that Pinterest offered up when I looked up Dos Equis, but it was the FIRST one in the feed.  What are the chances of it being Walmart related?  Apparently, 100%.

Happy Savings everyone!

You Can’t Have a Good Day with a Bad Attitude

~ Sara W. ~ 2 Comments

I recently had the pleasure of surprising my family in Southern California with the selfish desire to hold my newborn nephew.  They were completely shocked to see me at their door and I have the footage to prove it.  This was also my first time ever being away from my kids for more than 36 hours, which made the trip an even bigger deal for me.  I had a lovely time.  Sadly, however, I ended up bringing back a strained AC joint (or so the doctor has diagnosed it), a head cold, and apparently a bad attitude.

You may be thinking the bad attitude was due to my vacation coming to an end too soon.  This was not the case.  It was more due to the fact that I am a wuss when it comes to pain.  I wish I could say I was hardcore like my mom was in this way.  I would listen to her, time and time again, indicate her pain level as a “2” on the 1-10 pain scale.  My Mom was a cancer patient on chemo, I’m pretty sure 2’s don’t exist.  She was bad-ass that way.  Me, not so much.  I’ll say a 4 or 5 right off the bat because I want pain relief and a 2 isn’t going to make that happen.  Being in pain tends to mess with my emotional state as much as my physical state.  I have a hard time separating the two.  If I’m in pain, my head gets stuck on repeat, “Pain. Pain. Still pain. Make the pain stop. Pain. Pain.”  I’m not good at moving beyond it and, as a result, I get in a bad mood.

I didn’t recognize my poor attitude when I first returned home.  I told my husband that my shoulder was hurt and that my head cold was bugging, but I had yet to realize that it was seeping into my emotional state.  I heard myself saying a lot of negative things and bringing up the pain quite a bit, but I still was happy to be home and grateful for my trip and doing well enough despite the pain.  It wasn’t until the first full day home, when I replayed all of my words and actions from the day prior, that I realized I was being a real downer, particularly towards my husband.  I hardly showed any appreciation for all that he did in my absence and all that he did to make the trip possible in the first place.  It wasn’t that I didn’t appreciate him and all he did to keep our home running, it was that I was so self-absorbed with my pain that it consumed me.  Don’t get me wrong here, I’m not excusing my behavior, because I already shared that No Excuses, No Explanations is the way to go.  I just personally needed to figure out what would possess me to be so unappreciative and grumpy towards my husband and life in general.

Once I realized that my bad attitude did nothing for the world around me, I knew my husband deserved an apology.  Is it just me or is it difficult to come forward and apologize?  I find it’s even harder to do so when nobody has even expressed offense having been given.  My husband hadn’t said, “Sara, you’re being ungrateful and grouchy.”  He was moving forward and doing his thing.  So, I had to voluntarily swallow my pride and fess up to screwing up and being a drag.  Thankfully, I married a forgiving man.

My shoulder still hurts and I anticipate that it will continue to do so as it heals over the next week.  However, I’m doing my best to prevent the pain from pulling my mood down now.  You can’t have a good day with a bad attitude, and you can’t have a bad day with a good attitude.  I think we all know this to be true already, I was just given a fresh reminder.  Letting the pain get the best of my attitude, and my attitude get the best of my day, was just making matters worse.  So the opposite has to be true.  A good attitude can only beget a brighter day.

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Perhaps this is why my second eldest never seems to have a bad day?  She walks around with a positive attitude.  So much so that she received a Certificate of Character at school for having a positive attitude.  They announced the winners for each class at an assembly that my husband and I were able to attend.  The teacher had informed us that she would be receiving the award, but she was unaware.  When I heard her name be called for the award, I had to laugh, as I watched her skip happily up to the front.  That’s the type of girl that deserves such an award.  One that skips, and dances, and appreciates, and smiles, and laughs, and embraces the good all around.  Sure, she gets mopey at times, particularly when she wants someone to play with her, but overall she’s a ray of sunshine.  I could stand to learn a thing or two from her, as I strive to have a good attitude that brings forth a good day.

We reap what we sow, do we not?