Author: Sara W.

Through the Eyes of Bipolar II Disorder

~ Sara W. ~ 1 Comment

Bipolar II disorder is a strange beast.  It’s a mental illness that is comprised mostly of lows, regardless of optimal circumstances, and the highs are not so intense that they would be considered manias.  It becomes even more confusing when you suffer from the disorder, but also take medication to treat it.  Perhaps people who have suffered from severe nausea can relate to the bewilderment of treating something in your body that is doing everything in its power to hinder the events of your day.  I know as a pregnant woman, I dealt with terrible nausea.  I would be so nauseas that it would be near impossible to complete the most simplest of tasks.  I had to focus all my energy on not throwing up.  Making quick movements, or really any movement, was out of the question.  Not to mention knowing that food could potentially ease the nausea, but there seemed to be no feasible way to actually eat the item that might help. You get the idea.  However, if I took Zofran, a medicine designed to prevent nausea and vomiting, I could function.  It did not eliminate the issue completely.  It was almost as though my body was still on board to throw up at any given moment, but my brain had been given strict orders otherwise.  Or maybe it’s the other way around?  Maybe my brain was screaming to my body, “Get it out!  Get it all out!  You’ll feel better!”  But the body just shut down.  All I know is that Bipolar II disorder responds in a similar manner to medication.  The body and the brain are given different memos and it’s confusing as heck, so the whole system just wants to call it a sick day and go to sleep.

That’s where I’ve been the last few weeks.  It’s been a long series of sick days.  Many may not notice, as I am still functional, but things aren’t feeling right on the inside.  Huzzah!  I figured it out.  The brain is not in control when it comes to treated Bipolar II disorder, it’s definitely the body.  I realize this now, as I think of the feelings I’ve had over the past month or so.  The brain sticks to the task it has set out to do during a down cycle – remind Sara how worthless she is, point out the fat roll on her that is getting bigger, convince her that she’ll be happier if she just sleeps, explain to her that her children don’t listen to her because she’s a bad mom, and assure her that any feelings of happiness are a lost cause. The body, thanks to medication, says, “Nonsense!”  The body challenges the brain with its plans – I’ll have Sara wash some dishes and do something kind for her husband, I’ll get her on the elliptical machine, I’ll get her out of bed in the morning, I’ll hug her kids and tell them that she loves them, and I’ll jog her memory to recall moments of genuine laughter.  The body follows it’s plan of attack and the brain continues on its path and things start to get really befuddled inside.

I’ll provide the perfect example of how something like this unfolds in a real life situation.  It was my turn to host book club this past week.  I’m not a regular book club attendee.  I’m not sure if that’s relevant, but it somehow played a role in my feelings toward the arrival of several women entering my home.  The day had arrived.  I sent an e-mail reminding everybody about the book club being held that evening.  While it was not my intention to send out a reminder late, I got a bit excited about the chance of less people showing up due to my tardiness with the reminder.  It’s not that I don’t like these women in the group, it’s all the things the brain had been telling me that I didn’t want to face, “You know they’re going to judge you, right?  You know your home isn’t clean enough.  You’re not going to have anything healthy that they like, you fatty mcfat fat!  I hope you’re ready for everybody to note this month’s book club as the worst yet.”  I wish I could say I was exaggerating, but that’s how it goes in my brain in a down cycle.  It’s really quite self-centered for me to even believe that people care enough about me to even take the time to make judgments about me, but then again, isn’t that thought just as self-deprecating?  That people don’t even think enough of me to judge me?  Why would they waste their time?  Then the medicated body checks in and yells, “STOP IT!” The body usually chimes in the same time that my husband comes to my rescue.  My body is not allowing me to come up with a logical reason to cancel book club, while my husband is baking a cake to serve at the night’s event.  Between the body and my husband, the house gets cleaned enough that the brain believes judgments will be minimized, fruit joins the fare with the cake and mozarella sticks that the fatty mcfat fat (AKA – me) craves, book club questions have been planned out, and the living room is set with what is hopefully deemed a suitable comfort level.

The ladies begin to arrive, and my panic lessens, as I realize that few people are actually going to show up.  Again, it’s not that I don’t enjoy all the ladies in the group, it’s the perceived lies that my brain has been telling me about the whole of them coming into my home.  I have a nice time, or so I have deduced by the laughter I hear coming out of me.  I’m not really sure, honestly, how I feel.  Things are funny, I know this because the body chose to laugh.  I can’t feel the humor though.  This is the confusion I speak of.  The medicine doesn’t turn on and off according to the emotions that I want to feel and don’t want to feel.  It attacks them all.  So the highs get muted, especially when I’m in a low cycle.  I don’t know why this is, but everything just feels dull.  The evening ended and the women left, thanking me for the fun night.  I asked myself, “Oh, was it fun?”  It wasn’t that I didn’t have fun.  I did.  Or at least I think I did.  Once everyone has gone home, my husband asks me, “So, how did it go?”  I answer him with raw honesty since he knows my battle, “It went well, I think.  Not as bad as I feared, but I felt pretty numb to it all.  I laughed though.  That’s gotta be good.”  So, that’s how it goes in a low cycle when medicated.  It’s a weird feeling to have your body go through the motions, while your brain remains apathetic.  The toughest part to swallow is that this is better than unmedicated Bipolar II disorder.  I’ve been there before too and it’s equal to the fear I experienced while trapped inside my body during my stroke.

So, that’s it right there.  That’s the cycle I’ve been in.  That’s the cycle that wants to write an uplifting post, but can’t come up with an uplifting thought to share.  That’s one snapshot from a medicated down cycle.  I’m certain that the dreary weather we had in January did not help me fight off this down cycle.  My hope is that the warmer temps will get me outside long enough to shake this cycle and move back to status quo.

In the meantime, I hope you enjoy the face-lift that I gave First You Must Begin.  It may not be anything extravagant, but if you knew the trouble I went through to even make it look this good, you would be giving me a, “Strong work, Sara.”  As my BFF tells me, “Where there’s a will, there’s Sara.”  That’s how accomplished I feel to have made it this far with my blog.
 Where theres a will

First Friday Find: A Five-Year Memory Book

~ Sara W. ~ Leave a comment

This past Christmas, I was blessed with wonderful and unexpected gifts from loved ones.  My all-time favorite gift from this past Christmas was the mattress that my husband and I got each other.  Our mattress before was aggravating my back with each night’s rest.  This new mattress rejuvenates me.  However, I’m not writing this post to tell you about my mattress.  I’m writing to tell you about my favorite Christmas gift that I actually got to unwrap.  This probably would have been better suited for January’s First Friday Find, but I had yet to fully appreciate the item, at that time.  What is it, you ask?  It’s Mom’s One Line a Day: A Five-Year Memory Book.

This little book is so awesome!  Each page is set aside for a day in the year, starting at January 1.  The page is then broken up into five smaller sections.  Each section starts with “20__” so that you can indicate what year you are referencing and has a few blank lines following it.  It’s such a small section, but not too small, that it allows you to write just the right amount from the events of your day.  Then, when a new year begins, you go back to January 1 and start filling out the second section.  At the end of five years, you will have a record of what you did everyday on a specific day of the year all briefly stated on the same page.
I have made a point to keep my comments appropriate for anyone in our family to be able to pick it up and read from it.  In fact, my daughter has already snuggled up to me and had me read the events from our past month.  As I was reading, she would exclaim, “Oh, I remember that!”  We were both enjoying looking back on just the few short weeks that I had already recorded.  Then, she and I discussed that she would be twelve-years-old when I finished recording in the book.  Can you imagine all the memories we will have made together in that amount of time?
The best part is that it’s so dang simple.  I just keep it by my bedside and fill it out just before I kneel for my bedtime prayers.  It takes just a minute and I can already tell the results will be invaluable.
I was happy to find that they also have a journal option that is not gender or relationship specific: One Line a Day: A Five-Year Memory Book.
Seriously, this is one of my most favorite gifts ever.  Go get yourself one!  

Continue reading…

Your Life is an Occasion

~ Sara W. ~ 2 Comments

For the past few days, I’ve felt like I’ve been in a bit of a slump.  I couldn’t seem to pinpoint it’s origin until a few moments ago.  I think what it comes down to is that I’m bored with the wash, rinse, repeat cycle of life right now.  Are you familiar with this cycle?  Of course you are, especially if you’re a parent.  I know I’m not alone because I saw a meme just today that read, “Do you want to know what it’s like to have kids? 1. Gather everything you own.  2. Throw it all on the floor.  3. Pick it up. 4. Repeat for infinity.”  I’m not sure what’s exacerbating the issue, as it’s not like I’m a new stay-at-home-mom.  Perhaps the combination of increased time indoors due to colder temps, or the stage of my six-month-old’s eating habits (feeding baby mush gets tiring), or the fact that my to-do list seems to be never-ending (even worse, at times, never-starting)?  I can’t say that I know for sure, but the only thing that’s going to change it is my attitude, which brings me to Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium.

Have you seen Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium?  I don’t understand why the film has such a low rating?  As far as kids movies go, it’s quite endearing.  I only recently had the opportunity to watch it.  I don’t know how I’ve managed to not see it until now, as it’s been out for almost 10 years.  I wish I could say it’s because my children hardly watch TV, but that’s hardly the case.  I digress.  The movie has a line that struck both my eight-year-old daughter and I as powerful.  In the scene, Dustin Hoffman, who plays Mr. Magorium, is saying farewell to his assistant, played by Natalie Portman.  In his final goodbye he tells her, “Your life is an occasion.  Rise to it.”  And so it is.


I need to rise to it.  I need to make my life more than wash, rinse, repeat.  Don’t get me wrong, I get that life is made up of such things.  But the only way it’s going to be more than that is if I rise up and do something more.  Then the question remains, “How?”  How does one rise to the occasion?  If we take an actual occasion, such as a birthday, then we get ourselves spiffy,we eat our favorite foods, we spend time with loved ones, and, if we’re hosting a shin-dig, we pull out our coordinating paper plates and napkins.  Not gonna happen.  My daily life is going to have to be a different type of occasion.

I’ve pondered much on what I’m seeming to miss these past few days.  I thought if I turned the word “rise” into an acronym it might help me in the future, should I start to slip into the doldrums again.  So, here it goes, my best guess at what I need to make my life an occasion, or rather, make the most of each day: R – recommit; I – initiate; S – savor; E – evaluate.

Recommit
This is the biggest one for me right now.  I’m sort of floundering lately.  I need to recommit myself to productivity.  For example, right now I have things around the house that have been sitting on my To-Do list for so long that I’ve stopped taking them seriously.  I look at the list, rationalize why now isn’t the best time to do such a task, and return to my mindless social media scrolling.  The killer is that even though I think I’ve escaped the chore, the weight of not doing it is so heavy that it’s taken away from the joy I could be feeling had I accomplished the task.  You may be thinking, “but aren’t chores a part of the wash, rinse, repeat cycle?”  They are, you’re right.  But maybe if I recommitted to their value in my life and adjusted my attitude, then I could escape the feeling of captivity that I’ve been associating with the endless cycle?  My baby step on this item is to recommit by doing 15 minutes of an activity today that I’ve been putting off from my list.  My hope is that I will feel better for having accomplished something beyond knowing what a random person “liked” on Facebook today.  I chose a 15 minute increment because my Mom used to say to me, “I can do anything for a short amount of time.”

Initiate
This one might be different for everyone.  When I think initiate, I think of an activity that is most therapeutic for me, which is spending time with loved ones.  Others may need to initiate an outdoor activity or a workout into their day.  I admit, I should probably initiate more of those activities as well.  However, I personally benefit most from the relationships in my life.  I feel edified after spending time with my loved ones as we talk about matters of everyday life.  That’s what I need to initiate.  A text, an e-mail, a phone call; these things initiate opportunities to strengthen my relationships; which I deem as one of my highest priorities.

Savor
When I think of savoring something, I imagine having to slow down to do so.  So, the S in R.I.S.E. may be interchanged with slow down, if you so choose.  I did look up the word though and there is no connection with savoring requiring time to be fully accomplished.  In fact, my favorite definition for the word was, “to give oneself to the enjoyment of.”  We could stop with the letter S and call ourselves good.  That is what I need right now.  I need to give myself to the enjoyment of life.  Prior to looking up the word though, I intended for this to be a reminder that I need to slow down and take in the beauty I do have before me.  I can choose to focus on all the dishes in my sink that I will have to wash all over again tomorrow or I can savor the moment that my boys play on the floor together or my girls come in the door from school giggling about their days events.  Granted the floor playing isn’t always peaceful and my girls sometimes come in the door distraught from their day, but inevitably there are a couple moments each day that, if the appropriate background music could be added, would be suitable for the last couple minutes of Parenthood when life seems to be savored more fully and everything seems right in the world.

::COMMERCIAL BREAK:: Speaking of Parenthood, I certainly took the time to savor their series finale last night.  It was so good.  I’m going to miss that show so much.  I almost didn’t want to start the series finale because I knew it would come to and end and I wasn’t ready.  It reminded me of when I’m reading a good book and I can’t put it down, but I try to slow down my reading just to prevent it from ending.  ::BACK TO YOUR REGULAR PROGRAMMING::

Evaluate
When all is said and done, evaluating is key.  I knew something was afoot with me all week.  Moments of anxiety were happening for no particular reason and I just seemed to have a bit of a cloud over me.  I’m still not sure I know exactly what triggered the feelings, but I’ve never been afraid to evaluate my situation to find out.  I like playing devil’s advocate with myself.  I tend to learn a lot of “not-so-pretty” motivations behind my actions and behavior sometimes, but I think it’s important to face the “not-so-pretty” in an effort to make one’s life something more.  The sooner you can understand yourself, the sooner you can begin to fix the kinks you may be facing at the time.  I’ve learned that my comfortableness in evaluating myself is a strength that has brought me great peace.  It’s been so valuable that it’s one of the motivating factors behind this blog.  As we evaluate our personal needs and desires, we can begin moving forward in obtaining them in a healthy manner.

So, today is a new day.  Wish me luck, as I R.I.S.E. to the glorious occasion that is my life.

Continue reading…

Hope for the Best, Prepare for the Worst

~ Sara W. ~ 2 Comments

Shortly after writing my post “Don’t Waste Time with Worry,” I received a Facebook message from my Dad.  He said, “I was thinking there could be a follow-up that addresses how you don’t waste time with worry but use the event as motivation for action.  This follows a path that I tried to emphasize to all my many employees over the years – hope for the best but plan for the worst.”  It was a great suggestion, but one that I wasn’t quite ready to write, until today.

The inspiration to write the above mentioned post came from the uncertainty of my daughter and I both having a tumor disorder called Neurofibromatosis Type 1 (NF-1).  There was not anything we could do to prevent such a disorder, but there was definitely a benefit in preparing for the possibility of the worst case scenario of cancer in our future.  In our efforts to be ahead of the game, we got our daughter immediately hooked up with a geneticist and pediatric neurologist, both of which involve a 3-hour drive to attend.  Then came the insurance tango to get our daughter the appropriate genetic testing.  Two steps forward, one-step back, repeat.  Finally, we were able to appeal enough times that they agreed to do genetic testing for her, which would potentially have an impact on my diagnosis.  This is because one point of criteria to have NF-1 is to have a blood relative with the same gene mutation.  So, if she had it, then I had it.
Well, we had a twist in our story.  We were pretty much certain that she and I both had NF-1.  All signs pointed to yes.  We just needed the blood work to confirm it.  Not that we wanted to confirm it, because we’re hoping for the best, right?  It just seemed to be the inevitable.  I wasn’t wasting my time with worry, but it was certainly an item on my mind.  So, we get the call from the genetic counselor, after waiting over a month for results, to find out that she does not have the gene mutation.  The test is 95% accurate and the gene mutation is not there.  I didn’t even know how to process that.  
As happy as I was to hear the news, the only thing I could think of was, “what about the 5%?”  I’m not trying to be negative here, I just really wish I could lay this topic to rest 100% of the way versus 95% of the way.  And then the follow-up questions for my prognosis came into play, if the tumor in my optic nerve is not indicative of NF-1, then what is that tumor doing there?  Does this mean I have a greater chance of it being cancerous versus just an indicator of a tumor disorder that mostly is comprised of benign tumors?  Then, before I go supernova with panic, I pull myself back in and realize that there’s no sense in worrying, as Michael J. Fox has taught us, and all I need to do is hope for the best and prepare for the worst.  And that’s exactly what we did with our situation and will continue to do.  We hoped for a clean bill of health for our little girl and did all that we could to get ahead of the game and prepare ourselves for the worst.  In this case, we got the best case scenario, or at least 95% of the best case scenario.
::COMMERCIAL BREAK::  Before I go giving my Dad all the credit for this mantra, I should add that I found two variations on it.  The first person noted as saying it is Benjamin Disraeli, who served twice as the Primer Minister of the United Kingdom in the 1800’s.  He’s quoted as saying, “I am prepared for the worst, but hope for the best.”  Then, Maya Angelou stated in her book I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, “Hoping for the best, prepared for the worst, and unsurprised by anything in between.”  Well, Maya, I am surprised by the in between.  I’m surprised at the confusion that I feel with the 95% in-our-favor results.  ::BACK TO YOUR REGULAR PROGRAMMING::

I am learning to find complete joy in the good news and realizing that all I need to do is prepare for the 5%.  I’m not going to dwell on the 5%, but I am going to keep up on all of my daughter’s check-ups and not shrug them off just to avoid the 3 hour drive.  I’m going to continue to be as diligent as I already have been in regards to her health and my own.  That’s all I can do.

If you have your own situation that leaves you concerned with the unknown, may I suggest as I have previously, Don’t Waste Your Time with Worry, but also don’t wallow in avoidance.  This is why we get insurance, right?  Cars break down, homes catch fire, health woes strike, etc.  We need to prepare ourselves for what may come our way.  But this is not just about insurance, obviously.  You will have trials in your life beyond matters that insurance can cover.  Hearts get broken, people lose jobs, and faith gets shaken.  We need to prepare for those worst case scenarios as well.  In these matters, you may have to get a little more creative in your preparation plans.  For myself, being a woman of faith, I pray often and read my scriptures so that I can be strong in the Gospel of Jesus Christ when challenges come my way and they will come my way.  Regardless of our situations, may we all hope for the best, prepare for the worst and be unsurprised by anything in between.

Continue reading…

Musings of a Mom

~ Sara W. ~ 2 Comments

My mind is racing with all sorts of topics, none of which seem to be fitting to place in a concise post this week.  I’m tempted to do a journal style entry this week and call it good.  Are you with me?  Great!

Laughter is fun, ain’t it?  I feel like I’ve laughed a lot this past week, whether it was the banter between my husband and I regarding hoodlums, watching The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon, laughing with a friend over dinner, or witnessing my kids in their daily antics, it just felt good to laugh.  Laughter is some of the best medicine there is out there.


You know what else is pretty great?  Exercise.  Not the actual doing part, but the after part is pretty grand.  I decided the action of exercising on an elliptical is more bearable if you watch The Tonight Show while you workout.  The laughter makes the exercise fly by and the aftermath of getting a good sweat in is quite rewarding.

Parenthood is tough, am I right?  I spent a good long time talking with a girlfriend over dinner about how I’m at a loss with one of my kiddos who seems to crave negativity.  My friend reminded me that said kiddo is trying to vie for my attention and that even negative attention is still attention.  I know this about my child, yet I still fall prey to these tactics.  Little stuff turns into big blowouts and soon I have no idea why my child is crying and hyperventilating and I don’t think said child knows either.

COMMERCIAL BREAK:  It’s really hard to write a paragraph without disclosing gender, isn’t it?  Now back to our regular programming.

So, parenthood, right?  I have another child who is one of the most obstinate kids I have ever met.  I have read enough of this book called The Child Whisperer, The Ultimate Handbook for Raising Happy, Successful, and Cooperative Children to know which type of child I am dealing with, but I guess I need to get back to reading it for added guidance.  I feel like I’m on a slippery slope of this kid turning into a spoiled brat.

Anybody out there have any ideas or books to help with negative-attention-seeking kids and obstinate ones?  Let me add before I move on to another topic that both of these kids have amazing sides to them as well.  I actually think the obstinate kid will benefit from this weakness, if it can be harnessed in the right direction.  And the former child has several other spectacular talents that I wish I was lucky enough to possess.  I keep thinking that with both of these kids, and even my other two that are currently easier to raise, I need to remember the words of the American writer, Tom Peters, “Celebrate what you want to see more of.”  That is the essence of what these kids of mine need, I think.  More focus on their strengths rather than feeding in to their negative behavior.

While we’re still on the topic of parenthood, do we have any fans of the show Parenthood on NBC?  My husband isn’t a fan.  He claims that every show involves yelling.  He is mostly right, but oh how I’ll miss all the non-yelling moments.  I’m really hoping they end on a happy note and tie it up in a nice little bow.  I think that’s the least they could do for their fans, right?

Lastly, I’ve been pondering something when watching the world around me, particularly the actions of my husband.  Isn’t life just a little easier when everybody sets out to do as much as they can for the better good?  Today, my husband took care of so many tasks around the house that I dread doing, before he headed off to work.  His help provided me the opportunity to work simultaneously on other matters that needed tending to in our home.  His efforts changed the entire tone of my day.  Sometimes I think I focus too much on doing the bare minimum out of pure laziness, when doing just a little more can help lift all parties involved.  I realize I’m not saying anything we don’t already know.  I guess this is just a friendly reminder to myself that I want to contribute to others the way my husband contributes so much to our little family.

So, there you have it, folks.  Nothing grandiose to offer you this week, but meaningful topics to me nonetheless.

Continue reading…

Decor to Hide TV Cords

~ Sara W. ~ 1 Comment

This is not my typical post, but I was too excited not to share!  As I’ve mentioned before, I am not crafty.  So when I attempt something crafty, I feel the need to share my success (or failure) with you fine readers.

This past Christmas, my BFF gave us a Roku 2 Streaming Player.  She’s pretty amazing like that.  If you’ve never heard of it, check out the link above.  It’s sweet!  Alas, it required some extra cords, as our TV does not have HDMI input.  With the Roku 2 cords adding to our already abundant amount of cords, it was turning in to a bit of an eye sore around our TV.  Because we are renting, we can’t start drilling holes and such, so I tried to come up with something to hide the cords.  The planter box proved to be my solution.

I realize that it’s not perfect, but it sure is prettier.
Everything I used to make the planter box came from Jo-Ann‘s.  In their wood aisle, they had a two-part wood crate and a crate with one section.  I bought them both and nailed them together to give it a planter box look.  I also bought the word “Family” from there and painted it with some paint I already had at home.  I used tacky glue to add the “Family” piece to the boxes.  I purchased the flowers, cut off the stems, and placed them in some Spanish moss.  Voila!
It was a fun and useful craft to do.  It cost me $45 to make, which is a bit steep for me.  I still feel like it was worth it though, as it turned out just as I hoped it would.
Each time I accomplish something that’s out of my comfort zone, I feel a little better about myself.  This website is all about beginning and improving upon yourself, so I guess this is one of my typical posts after all.  
Are you doing anything out of your comfort zone lately?
Continue reading…

First Friday Find: Irony & Perspective

~ Sara W. ~ Leave a comment

Yes, yes, I know, irony and perspective are neither a cool product, nor a nifty craft, nor an interesting website.  It is, however, what I happened to find this week.  A whole heap load of irony and perspective.  You see, I resolved to gain greater patience in 2015, as mentioned in my last post Run with Patience.  In that post, I mentioned that I was a bit fearful to resolve to do such a thing, as often this quality is improved upon by encountering opportunities to exercise it.  Well, the first day of 2015 provided me with my first practice rounds.  This may make for a loooooong year.

I was slightly irritated when I finished feeding my baby his breakfast and I heard my toddler son saying to himself, “No Lego Movie,” repeatedly.  My irritation raised quickly when I found said toddler taking the brand new The Lego Movie that the family had just received for Christmas and running it along our stone fireplace.  I haven’t played it yet to verify, but I’m pretty sure a movie is done once there is an elaborate scratch pattern that covers the entire play area of the DVD.  I put him in timeout, but quickly realized there wasn’t too much point in getting upset with him, he didn’t know he was causing harm to it.  Hopefully I explained it well enough that he now understands.  We shall see.  Patience Test #1 passed.  Whew.

Fast forward to my errands with four kids in tow.  Things were going fairly smoothly.  Aside from the hiccup of one store being closed, we were actually having a pretty good time making our many stops.  The last stop of the day was Target.  We were all in high spirits and I was letting the kids be goofy and have some fun with the cart.  We were all just loving life.  We came upon the cereal aisle, which happened to be having a sale.  I was looking closer at the cereal options in my effort to see what the kids might like best when I saw it! Quaker Honey Graham Oh’s!  This might not mean much to you, but it meant a lot to me.  It was less than two months ago that I had gone on a hunt for this cereal and learned that it is now only sold in two stores: Target and Rite-Aid.  I had checked both of those stores at that time and neither had the cereal in stock.  I even got in touch with Quaker in an effort to get my hands on a box and they said it had been 6 months since they had sent it to Central Oregon.  So, you see, this was a seriously amazing find!  So much so, that I wanted to take a picture and send it to a friend of mine that I knew would appreciate it.  I got my phone out, went to take the picture, dropped the phone, and that’s the end.  Done.  The screen cracked and the phone would no longer respond to my touch.  Patience Test #2 was an immediate fail.

As I was trying to fuss with it to see if I could make it work, I quickly grew impatient with the kids.  Our fun times ended abruptly.  I didn’t let anyone touch the cart because every move they made irritated me.  I surrendered to the circumstance without putting up a fight.  I honestly thought I could cry.  I get that it’s JUST a phone.  But, it also happens to be a phone that I had just recently got in October, which already had been returned TWICE due to camera issues and I was not certain we had insurance on it and I was already feeling overwhelmed by the post-Christmas-financial blues.  The LAST thing I needed was another $700, as that’s what these babies cost without some sort of deal, out of my pocket.  I somberly finished my shopping while checking my phone every few minutes to see if it had changed it’s mind and decided to work.  No such luck.

Thankfully, I did recognize this as an opportunity to practice patience.  I tried desperately to let it go knowing that there was nothing that I could do in that very moment in Target and taking it out on the kids would get us nowhere.  I even managed to chuckle on our way out to the car when my daughter showed me an oil puddle that had made rainbow colors in the shape of a Target symbol.  Once we were in the car, I felt so bummed out that I told the kids we were going to pray.  I prayed that the phone could be fixed, and that if it couldn’t be fixed, that it could be replaced at a minimal cost, and that if that couldn’t happen, that I could have peace in my heart.  I wish I could say peace came immediately, but it didn’t.  So off to Verizon we went.  Does anybody else hate going into cellular stores as much as I do?  It seems like it takes so much time to get anything accomplished in those places.

The phone was officially deemed kaput and I began the mourning process.  Thankfully, my husband had put insurance on our phones, but it still meant a $149 deductible and a wait period of at least two days.  I’m not gonna lie folks, I felt so discouraged and upset with the situation.  I realize it’s just a phone, but the money, time, and failure to not succumb under trial, as I had just resolved to do, got the best of me.

At the end of the day, as I was feeding my baby and still dwelling on the irony of my day in relation to my resolution, I also happened to find perspective.  Accidents happen.  They suck.  Some are absolutely tragic and have a lasting affect.  I found myself recalling news stories from this past week and my heart ached for those who have suffered far greater loss than my stupid phone situation.  It almost makes me more upset with myself that I let it get to me so much in the first place.

So, I hope you’ll forgive me for losing sight of the big picture, for thinking at such a worldly level, and for not being an example of patience.  I truly hope to improve upon this quality and I find myself grateful for all that I do have in my life.  Top on the list of things I’m grateful for is my husband with whom I am celebrating 11 years of marriage on this very day.  I feel so blessed in knowing that we will be together for time and all eternity and a $149 deductible will have absolutely no bearing on that blessing.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go sing The Lego Movie theme song in my effort to embrace the positive.  EVERYTHING IS AWESOOOOME!!

Continue reading…

Run with Patience

~ Sara W. ~ Leave a comment

A new year is upon us, so I took a moment to re-read my post stating my resolution for 2014, Bright New Year.  By the end of the post I found myself getting choked up.  I’m positively awful at keeping resolutions, to the point that sometimes I don’t make them at all.  But, for the first time ever, I can confidently say that I kept my new year’s resolution.  I’m not one to toot my own horn, but gosh darn it, I’m going to on this one.  I made my year bright not because of fortunate circumstances, but because I made it bright in all circumstances.  As a result, I have beautiful memories to show for it, despite the setbacks with health issues we encountered.


While I do have desires for a healthier body and financial situation, I’m going to make this year’s resolution broader, as I did last year.  This year my goal is to have greater patience.  I heard a very inspiring talk in church this past Sunday and it helped me better understand patience and my desire for more of it in my life.  The speaker was referencing the scripture found in Hebrews 12:1 – Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us. She then went on to discuss her confusion with the “run with patience” portion of the scripture.  She spoke of her knowledge of the word patience meaning “to wait” and how running to wait didn’t make much sense to her.  I happen to agree.  But patience is more than that.  Patience isn’t just about waiting.  She went on to include a definition she had found in the book Word Meaning in the New Testament, which stated that, “patience is the quality that does not surrender to circumstance or succumb under trial.”  Patience is strength and endurance.  The reason this definition hit me is because it speaks of patience not being affected by circumstance.  This echoes my 2014 resolution.  It wasn’t just that I wanted a bright new year with ease.  I wanted to make my new year bright despite the ease, because let’s face it, life is not easy.  The same goes with patience.  I don’t want to get greater patience by things being handed to me, I want to truly gain the strength and endurance that comes from being patient in all things.  I say that now and I already fear what may come my way.  In 2014, I had resolved to keep a bright outlook in all circumstances and I got challenged with having a stroke and finding a tumor.  Who knows what may come with my desire to become more patient?  I can’t help thinking of the meme I saw regarding patience, which read, “Bless me with patience…Not opportunities to be patient, I’ve had plenty of those and they don’t seem to be working.  The actual patience…”  And here I am hoping to gain true patience, which requires opportunities to exercise the attribute.

Without knowing what’s in store for 2015, my guess is that I will have to exercise patience predominantly with myself.  I’m the type of person to do one workout and then race to the scale in hopes that I’ve magically gone down 5 lbs.  Logical Sara knows that’s not how it works, but pathetically desperate Sara hopes that it is.  I need to realize that becoming healthier physically and financially are not sprints, they are long distance runs.  I guess that means I need to long-distance-run with patience.  HAHAHA!  I crack myself up.  Seriously though, this is going to be quite the challenge for me.  Patience has never been my strong suit, just ask my husband.  Then, when 2015 comes to a close, we can ask him again and see if I’ve made any improvement.

If you are a patient person, please teach me your ways by leaving a comment of enlightenment.  I know my husband is a patient person, but I have yet to figure out how he does it.  He’s so laid back in general that it’s hard for me to comprehend.  I wonder, are men generally more patient?  Is greater patience only accomplished by greater opportunities to exercise it?  I sure hope I’m not opening a can of worms in my efforts to be a little stronger this year than last.

Whatever your resolution is this coming year, I imagine it would be better accomplished with a little bit of patience on your side.  So, be patient with yourself, with others, and with all circumstances.  And remember, patience isn’t just about happily waiting but rather, “a quality that does not surrender to circumstance or succumb under trial.”

Continue reading…

In Dreams Awake

~ Sara W. ~ 2 Comments

‘Twas a night in December of 2011, not a creature was stirring not even a mouse, the stockings were hung by the chimney with care, in hopes that my BFF soon would be there.  The children were nestled all snug in their beds, while I anxiously awaited to start a horrifically cheesy Christmas movie that ABC Family had put out called 12 Dates of Christmas.  Sigh.  I was never good at poetry, so I’ll leave it for Clement Clark Moore.  Seriously though, I really wanted to see this movie and I knew my BFF, who has an equally pathetic love for cheesy rom-coms, was the perfect person to have by my side.  It had everything you would expect of a magoo made-for-TV-movie; discontinuity, plot holes, everybody growing together as people, cheesy lines, and a male lead character saving the world one wayward teenager at a time.  And, sadly, my BFF and I loved every second of it.  We even watched parts of it over again when we realized there were some hidden gems we had missed.  I may have liked it so much that I convinced another friend of mine to watch it with me again this year.  And even though we both laughed at all the corny lines, poor acting, and plot holes, we both found ourselves sighing, as smitten women do, at the tender predictable ending.

Watching the movie a second time, I found myself appreciating the concept of making the most of our lives.  If you didn’t watch the trailer in the link above, the lead actress lives Christmas Eve over and over again until she gets everything just right.  Think of the movie Groundhog Day with less humor and more magoo.  I got caught up in the message of living to our full potential in an effort to create a happier and fuller life.  They drive the message home in one scene when they use Henry David Thoreau’s quote, “Our truest life is when we are in dreams awake.”  What a beautiful concept, right?  It reignited my desire to make sure my life matched my values, my righteous desires, and my dreams, as that’s how I interpret that quote.  I feel like the message is that we are to be active participants in creating a life that exemplifies who we aspire to be.

I think that’s why I like the idea of bucket lists so much.  They are like the blueprints of my dreams.  I think back to my 30th birthday and my husband’s gift to me.  My Life Bucket List has “Ride a Zamboni” on it.  My guess is that had I not put it out there as a sincere desire it would not have come to pass.  That February night in 2011, I was in dreams awake.  Or even something simpler I did this past week from my Christmas Season Bucket List.  I had on there to take cards to a retirement home.  As much as I genuinely wanted to do it, I could have easily justified not doing it.  The Saturday was cold and rainy and my husband would not be with me to help with the kids.  However, because of the list and having put it out there as something I wanted to do, I made the extra effort to do it.  How glad I am that we did.  It felt so good to brighten the day of so many people.  Plus, it was darling to see the pictures and notes my children created for the residents.  Seeing my children brighten someone else’s day is me living in dreams awake.

But it’s not just about bucket lists.  It’s about making the effort to live your dreams, whether they be small or large.  To live in the moment, to make the most of that moment.  That’s the message that 12 Dates of Christmas and Henry David Thoreau are trying to make, I think.  We have this glorious opportunity to change the world around us for the better merely by making a commitment to ourselves to live to our full potential.

In some ways I’m great at this and in other ways I fail to accomplish my dreams.  Perfect example: I dream of being healthier.  Not thinner, though that would inadvertently happen, but healthier.  I hope that one day I can live in dreams awake with a fit body.  In the meantime, cheeseburgers beat out vegetables every time.  Thankfully, I have not completely given up on myself.  My determination to accomplish my Life Bucket List may be all I need to make this a reality since several items on there require a healthier body.

Each of us has our strengths and our weaknesses.  And while Amy Smart got to live Christmas Eve 12 times over before getting it right, we also have another day to give it our best effort.  So, here’s to embracing our strengths and challenging ourselves on our weaknesses in the hopes of living in dreams awake; our truest life, or rather, to our full potential.

Continue reading…