Inspiration

Second Anniversary Giveaway

~ Sara W. ~ Leave a comment

I hope you all had a wonderful Memorial Day Weekend.  Ours was certainly a beautiful one!  It started off rainy, but quickly turned to blue skies and sunshine.  It was a lovely weekend to be outdoors.  And that’s what I want to share today for First You Must Begin’s Second Anniversary Giveaway: the outdoors.  Particularly, an 11×14 matte print of a picture that my brother, _stevenwilson, captured off the Southern California Coast.  This one is called “Blue Barrel,” and it’s one of my favorites!

2nd Year Anniversary Giveaway

You may recall, that I did a post about _stevenwilson and his amazing ocean photography for a First Friday Find earlier this month.  His work is so breathtaking, that I thought it would be the perfect thing to give away for my Second Anniversary of First You Must Begin.  Especially since my brother’s artwork is a perfect example about beginning something new.  Two years ago, when I started this blog, my brother wasn’t even posting pictures of ocean photography.  Now, due to his desire to embark into the world of ocean photography despite his lack of knowledge, he has grown and developed in the field.  He took his love for the ocean and found a way to share it in such a beautiful way.  I admire the hard work and dedication that he has put into improving upon his talent.  He makes it look easy.

Each of us can begin something new.  We can find something within ourselves that we want to improve, we can dedicate ourselves to a new passion, we can work to face our fears, we can strive to live healthier, or we can simply get up and try a little harder than the day before.  But, first we must begin.  So, here’s a Second Anniversary Giveaway to celebrate all the beginnings in our lives and all the beginnings that continue to blossom into something magnificent.

**Check out the Rafflecopter Giveaway below where you can enter to win an 11×14 matte print of _stevenwilson’s “Blue Barrel.”  All you have to do is tell me how you heard about my website, First You Must Begin.  The winner will be chosen at random by Rafflecopter a week from today.  Good luck!**

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Everything Happens for a Reason

~ Sara W. ~ 4 Comments

It’s so cliché, “everything happens for a reason,” isn’t it?  But if the saying is a source of comfort and greater understanding, is there such a thing as overuse of the phrase?  As I continue to reflect on Mom Season and other events that have brought our family to this point, I continually take comfort in my belief that, inconsequential things aside, everything happens for a reason.  Of course, at the time, we don’t always recognize or understand the reasoning behind certain events.

Everything Happens for a Reason

This was the case with an event that took place three years ago this month.  It was Memorial Day Weekend and we still lived in Southern California.  My husband had already left for his swing shift at the hospital.  My cousin was having a BBQ and swim party at his home.  I decided to bring the kids to the party on my own.  I let the girls swim with family, while Auggie and I sat poolside.  It was time for us to go home so I went in the bathroom to help my daughter get out of her swimsuit.  I wanted to wash my hands before helping her, so I reached out for the soap and my left arm went limp.  It came down like a ton of bricks and knocked the soap over into the sink.  Before I could even process what had happened, my left leg went limp and I leaned into the sink to hold myself up.  I remember being inside my head saying, “Call for help!  Scream!  Why can’t you talk?!”  No sooner had panic sunk in when all of my strength returned and I was able to talk and move about as if nothing had happened.  Still shaken up from the strange event, I left my daughter in the bathroom to let my aunt know what had happened.  I asked her to check on me if I didn’t come out in a normal amount of time.  I still felt fuzzy headed and disoriented, but I seemed to have all of my facilities about me so I pressed forward.

Not knowing what to do and having no witnesses, except for my unaware daughter, I tried contacting my husband to get his insight.  No answer.  I shared my event with a couple of family members, as I was concerned about driving home.  However, seeing that I was now fine, it was presumed that the heat had gotten to me.  Having lost my strength in my left arm, I had immediately thought that I was either having a heart attack or a stroke.  My heart felt fine, so I crossed that off of my list.  If it was a stroke, it wasn’t what I had understood of them then.  So, I got in my car and drove my three kids home and asked my eldest, who was only 6 at the time, to help keep an eye on me.  What she could have done to save us while driving on the freeway should another episode occur, I knew not, but somehow I needed her eyes on me as back-up.

As soon as we were home, I did the bedtime routine and sat on the couch and did what any sane person would do – hit the Internet.  I went down the Wikipedia rabbit hole in relation to TIA‘s (mini-strokes) that night.  I also happened to remember about how my physician had told me that I should take a baby aspirin due to a blood disease I was born with called Spherocytosis.  The blood disease is noted by the red blood cells being in a spherical shape versus a disc shaped, thus increasing the chance for stroke due to clotting (though Wikipedia is not stating this, multiple physicians have discussed this connection with me).  Somewhere in the middle of the rabbit hole, my husband finally had a chance to call me back.  His first response was, “It sounds like a TIA.”  He then asked some of the Emergency Department (ED) Physicians their thoughts and they all said the same.  I then  realized two things: I should have gone to the ED immediately and I should have been taking that baby aspirin for years.

A round-about diagnosis isn’t iron clad, so I thought I would head to a specialist.  I’ll skip through this part a bit faster, as I don’t mean to draw this story out.  An MRI  was ordered.  It came back clear.  An Ultrasound was ordered for my heart.  It also came back clear.  One final test, per the Neurologist’s orders – an EEG.  As soon as the electrodes were taken off my head and the tester let me walk out the door, I assumed I was fine or else she wouldn’t have allowed me to drive myself home.  A few days later I got the call straight from the physician.  We all know that when the call comes from the physician it is not good news.  So, as I sat poolside again, plugging one ear with my finger and trying to hear the physician through the phone in my other, all I heard was “non-epileptic seizure.”  What the freak was that supposed to mean?!

Oh heavens, I’ve gone and done it again.  Too many details.  Let’s just get to the part that pisses me off, whaddya say?  Based on this lame-I-don’t-even-know-what-that-means diagnosis, my driver’s license got revoked.  That’s right, folks!  Because the physician deemed it seizure related, he notified the DMV that I should have my driver’s license taken away from me.  It still enrages me.  So, I got a second opinion, obviously.  The new physician calls BS on the first diagnosis and signs off on the paperwork for me to get my license back.  The second opinion was that I had a stress-induced episode or severe migraine that resulted in weaknesses.  Also, a pretty lame diagnosis, but it got me my license back.  Plus, by that time, there was no way to prove I had experienced a TIA, though all signs seemed to point in that direction.

The description of this event took me five lengthy paragraphs to convey, but I feel that it accurately captures how the episode disrupted my life for several months.  It was a scary and frustrating process to work through.  But, everything happens for a reason, right?

That same Memorial Day Weekend, my Dad and Step Mom were up visiting Central Oregon to scout it out and see if it was where they wanted to retire.  My husband and I had toyed around with the idea of leaving Southern California, but it never seemed to feel right.  I specifically remember, while driving home from my cousin’s house, thinking, “I can’t do this anymore.”  Whether it was heat stroke, a TIA, a seizure, or whatever, it felt scarier dealing with it alongside the stress I was already feeling in my daily life with the pressures of living in Southern California.  I desperately wanted Central Oregon to be the answer for my parents, so it could also be the answer for our nuclear family.  It turns out that it was.  That episode, whatever it was, was one more confirmation for me that it was time for us to leave Southern California.  As much as I miss my family, friends, Disneyland, the beach, and sporting events down in Southern California, our move to Central Oregon was one of the best decisions my husband and I have ever made.

So, that puts a little purpose behind the actual episode itself, but what about the misdiagnosis? Why call the episode a seizure when the symptoms were the opposite from the way a seizure behaves?  It’s safe to say, based on my very real Stroke of Luck, that the episode three years ago was in fact a TIA.  Had I been taking my baby aspirin, perhaps it would not have happened.  The full stroke that I had recently was believed to be postpartum related, which I have learned is quite common.  The baby aspirin can only take on so much.  Due to my stroke, my current Neurologist has now diagnosed that first episode as a TIA. per the knowledge we now have with more EEGs, MRIs, and CT Scans having been performed.

With the proper diagnosis of my 2012 episode in mind, I recently sat on the couch befuddled about why we had to go through that whole drawn out process.  I told my husband how annoyed I was with that first doctor, his misdiagnosis and the actions he took to revoke my driver’s license.  He simply responded, “He was a blessing to us.”  I sat there trying to come up with any possible reason as to how this physician, who was generally annoying to begin with, could have been a blessing to us.  My husband, obviously seeing my confusion, added, “If he had diagnosed you with a TIA, we would have never had Hans.  We would have known the risk of a postpartum stroke and stopped having kids.”  His words hit me so hard that I immediately thanked my Heavenly Father for His tender mercies in our lives and took comfort in knowing that everything happens for a reason.

Hans

We don’t always see it at the time, but there is a bigger picture with greater purpose in our lives.  I cannot imagine our family without Hans in it.  He completed us.  Yes, the period of postpartum after Hans did result in a stroke, but even that happened for a reason.  That stroke happened for reasons already known and reasons yet understood.  I am truly humbled by my husband’s insight and how it has strengthened my faith.  And this is just one experience of many.  I look back at events that seemed to have no greater meaning than heartbreak and pain, but that is not the case.  I have a testimony that everything happens for a reason.  That reason is that we have a loving Heavenly Father who knows each of us, knows our needs, and knows our potential.  These things happen for a reason, because He wants to give us every opportunity to succeed.  He wants this for everyone, believers and non-believers alike.  I know that if we are pure in heart, He will provide a way for us to return to Him and everything leading up to that moment will have happened for a reason.

First Friday Find: _stevenwilson

~ Sara W. ~ Leave a comment

It just so happens that _stevenwilson is my brother.  Well, technically speaking, it is my brother’s Instagram account.  Perhaps you’re wondering why my brother qualifies as a First Friday Find?  I didn’t just find my brother nor did I recently stubble upon his Instagram account.  He and I go back to my birth and I’ve been following his Instagram account since it’s inception a little over six months ago.  However, what I found recently, in regards to _stevenwilson, is that his work is moving beyond a hobby and becoming a true talent that has the potential to make a difference.  Nepotism aside, I would be doing my readers an injustice if I didn’t share his talent here.  And, if you’re not on Instagram, have no fear!  You can access his wave art on-line through Enjoygram.

_stevenwilson

His Instagram account is centered almost entirely around the shots he grabs of waves in the Pacific Ocean using his GoPro HERO4 BLACK.  It’s been incredible to watch the progression of his work become something truly spectacular.  As a result, he’s had requests for copies of his prints and various people asking to feature his work.  Recently, he partnered up with Coastal Playground.  Coastal Playground has a 50/50 program where 50% of the proceeds from products sold are given to organizations that work to keep beaches clean and educate the public on related issues.  So, now, if you want to have one of _stevenwilson’s stellar wave shots in your home, you can order a poster or canvas and 50% of the proceeds will go to a worthy cause.  I personally think it’s such a beautiful thing when people utilize their talents to better the world around them, so you can imagine how proud I am of my brother.

_stevenwilson2

Another thing that’s evolved, since _stevenwilson began this new venture, is an Instagram account that embraces all the imperfections.  As we know, not all artwork is a slam dunk.  Movies have outtakes, literature has drafts, and music has cuts.  Photography is no different.  A few wave photography buddies, including _stevenwilson, have started an account called bottombarrelcrew.  Bottom Barrel Crew gives you a glimpse of the behind the scenes world of wave photography.  Plus, you get to learn a little bit more about the players in the local scene for Southern California.

I’m so happy that my brother has found his passion.  He always enjoyed being out in the ocean, but turning it into something more than a personal experience has been awesome to witness.  It reminds me of the quote by William Shakespeare, “The meaning of life is to find your gift.  The purpose of life is to give it away.”  Thanks for sharing your gift with the rest of us, _stevenwilson.  I’m sure our Mom is so proud, as we all are, of you.

First You Must Begin Updates

~ Sara W. ~ 2 Comments

Whew!  I’m making it in under the wire to keep with my one post a week goal.  There was only one week that I missed since I set this goal for myself and it was the week that I had the Stroke of Luck.  I think that’s a fair enough reason to go dark for a week, don’t you?  That being said, this post hardly counts as legit.  I’m merely writing to give you a couple First You Must Begin updates.

First, I have set up an Instagram account specifically for FYMB.  If you are on Instagram, I would love to have you follow me at FIRST_YOU_MUST_BEGIN.

On an entirely different note, I felt this urge to give you all an update on the status of  my post from last week Who Do I Want to Be?.  In that post, I set a total of five goals for myself: eat only one burger a week, stop yelling, read my scriptures daily, say my morning prayers, and cut my restaurant budget by 20% per week.  I’m close to wrapping up week number two and this is my report.  This is me keeping it real!

I have stuck with my one burger a week.  I almost caved today out of convenience on the way home from CostCo.  Costco took longer than expected and I wanted to keep my toddler awake on the way home, so I almost went through Drive-Thru to make life easier.  Nay, nay.  I held strong.

I need to get the swear jar and use pebbles in place of money, as I never have cash on hand.  Each pebble will represent 25 cents.  I’m thinking when the jar gets full, I’ll transfer the pebbles to cash and put it in my kids savings.  Since I have yet to purchase a jar or pebbles, I really don’t know how I did.  I do know though that I had to catch myself at least five times in the past 10 days.

Scripture study was hit or miss.  Honestly, it was probably worse these past couple weeks than it has been in the past.  Usually, I can at least count on family scripture study with my kids before school, and even that we were pretty lazy about these past few days.  My eldest began taking uni-cycling classes before school twice a week and it’s messed with our morning routine a bit.  I need to come up with a new plan, and I fear it involves me waking up earlier.

As for kneeling down for my morning prayers – WOW.  Thursday of last week I was an absolute wreck.  It’s worth noting that this day did not start with prayer.  I can’t count how many times I screamed inwardly at every little thing in my life that did not flow smoothly.  Those five times of yelling, that I mentioned above, may have very well all happened in that same Thursday.  I was just a mess.  The following morning on Friday, I rolled straight out of bed and onto my knees for my prayers.  We spent that day traveling to Portland and we had a few hiccups in the day.  Had it been the previous Thursday, I would have flipped my lid.  However, on this Friday that began with prayer, I felt oddly at peace.  I kept watching myself handle things calmly and thinking it was such a contrast from the day before.  It wasn’t until the end of the day that it hit me.  The biggest difference between the two days was how I started it.  Starting my day off with humble prayer made such a difference for the better!  Each day that I remembered to start with prayer had a similar outcome.  I really felt more at peace on those days than I could have anticipated.

As for the restaurant budget, well, let’s see…um…well…yeah, I got nothing.  BIG FAT FAIL.  Last weekend we were in Portland so we ate every single meal out.  This week was a touch better, but since I have yet to actually figure out what 20% less equates to, I can’t provide an honest answer on my success.  Oops.

A couple reasons I wanted to offer an update is because I really was impressed by how much of an impact doing my morning prayers had on my daily life AND I wanted everyone to know that I am just trying the best I can.  I am not a woman of answers.  I am just a woman trying to find the best way that I can to live a positively purposeful life.  Anything I suggest on this site is as much of a suggestion for myself as it is for anyone that stops by to read a bit.  Usually the things that I set out to accomplish on this site prove fruitful.  I hope the same proves right for you.

What it comes down in regards to these First You Must Begin updates is that I am doing what is stated in Ephesians 6:18 – “Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication….”  I’m trying to make a difference in the world around me through this blog and by the actions I make in my daily life.  I stumble.  I fall.  I pray.  I persevere.

Prayer and Perseverance

Who Do I Want to Be?

~ Sara W. ~ 3 Comments

Recently, I listened to a talk given by a religious leader, Dale G. Renlund, which spoke about our ability to try to be something more than what we are now, persevering in our efforts to do so, and being patient with others who are striving to do the same.  The essence of the talk was that our focus should be more about who we are now and what we are becoming rather than what we once were.  In his talk, Renlund quoted a line from As You Like It by William Shakespeare.  In the scene, the eldest brother, Oliver, is being questioned as to whether or not he plotted to kill his younger brother, Orlando.  He responds to the inquiry with, “‘Twas I, but ’tis not I.  I do not shame to tell you what I was, since my conversion so sweetly tasted, being the thing I am.”  In modern terms, Oliver is expressing that he did plot to kill Orlando and he has no shame in confessing it, as he knows he has since been converted from his evil ways.  As I listened to the line from Shakespeare, I kept repeating the words in my mind, “‘Twas I, but ’tis not I,” and then I asked myself, “who am I now and who am I no longer?”  I’m thinking now, though, that the best question to ask would be, “who do I want to be?”

So many different thoughts race to my mind when I ask myself, “who do I want to be?”  The overwhelming thought being that I would like to be healthy.  My greatest desire for myself is to be physically, emotionally, spiritually, and financially healthy.  When I put it that way, though, I see the list, get overwhelmed, and prevent myself from trying at anything at all.  Then, I get the idea that maybe if I just pick one thing that is of the utmost importance it will have an affect on the other categories?  Or better yet, maybe I need to pick just one thing to improve upon from each category?  The physically healthy category should be the easiest, as right now I’m at Level Zero, despite the fact that Master Shifu in Kung Fu Panda claims, “There is no such thing as Level Zero.”  The other categories may be a little more challenging.

Fitness

Physically Healthy

I recently posted the image above on my Facebook timeline because, while this is not actually a picture of me, it is me to a T.  Would you like some proof?  Go ahead and type ‘burger’ in the Search field on the top right side of my website and see how many posts reference my love for burgers.  While the image perfectly captures my current stance on fitness and burger intake, I am embarrassed that I make light of the topic so much.  Contrary to my actions, I really do believe in the importance of being physically healthy.  My road to being physically healthy will look different than your road, as cheeseburgers may not be your weak spot.  So, if you are seeking a healthier lifestyle, then ask yourself what steps need to be taken to make that a reality.  I have plenty of things I can improve upon in the realm of diet and exercise.  If I’m only picking one, I think I’ll go with only allowing myself one burger a week.  Yes, this is a challenge for me.  Remember, Level Zero.

I’m picking this one over an exercise related one, as my cholesterol numbers are less than favorable.  After the Stroke of Luck, they did some customary blood work.  In the past, my numbers were of borderline concern, but these new numbers were embarrassing.  I did learn that postpartum cholesterol numbers are skewed, but to avoid added risk post-stroke, they placed me on cholesterol medicine.  Apparently, cholesterol numbers do not level out to an accurate reading until one year out from delivery.  This means that in July I have the chance to get off of cholesterol medication.  While I am a big supporter of medicine, I think it’s silly to be on medicine for something that can be controlled with proper diet and exercise.  So, long story short, I’m starting with my cutback on cheeseburgers.  I’m going to imagine that in five years from now somebody will confront me with, “Did you once eat so many cheeseburgers that you were on cholesterol medicine?”  Then I can respond, “‘Twas I, but ’tis not I.”

Who Do I Want to Be

Emotionally Healthy

I often wonder what “level” I would be at in the emotionally healthy realm if I did not suffer from Bi-polar II?  Mental illness is a tricky beast because sometimes you fall for the old-fashioned beliefs that if you just do XY&Z, then you can be cured from such an illness without medication ever being needed.  I don’t doubt that doing XY&Z can lessen the blow of a low in the depression cycle, but I’ve yet to witness a natural solution in my nine years with the illness.  So, what other options do I have in this category?  I would like to stop yelling at my kids.

I am not a frequent yeller, but the fact that I yell at all upsets me.  I may be the worst type of yeller, because I don’t yell at all people.  I imagine a person that yells at everyone in their life just doesn’t know any better.  But if I do not yell at strangers, nor my husband, nor my friends or extended family, then I must know better.  My children are the only ones that seem to get my wrath.  I hate it.  It’s such an ugly trait.  It’s definitely less than it once was, but I have yet to eradicate yelling from our home.  I’m not even going to excuse it, per my previous post No Excuses, No Explanations.  No excuses; just solutions here today.  How about a “Yell Jar” instead of a “Swear Jar”?  Heck, this could end up helping me with being financially healthy.  I may have enough money to buy myself something nice.

Spiritually Healthy

If I had to pick a category that I was the healthiest in, it would probably be this one.  However, I am still lacking plenty.  I’ve always been good about bedtime and mealtime prayers, but morning prayer tends to be a hard one for me.  Mainly because I am not a morning person.  I stay in my bed as long as humanly possible, thus not allowing for a couple extra minutes for morning prayer before having to tend to children.  However, studying the scriptures can be just as crucial as morning prayer in becoming spiritually healthy.  Ugh!  It’s a toss up.  Perhaps I will cheat in this category and do two?  Morning prayer and scripture study combined are likely to have the greatest impact on improving my health in all categories.  For the non-Christians out there, a good alternative may be to add time for meditation to your daily routine.

Financially Healthy

Remember my love for cheeseburgers?  Well, I don’t eat them at home.  I eat them at my favorite restaurants.  It turns out that eating out adds up when you have five other companions joining you.  Meals out are pricey with our family size.  Eating out is a huge weakness of mine.  I would much rather spend money on eating a meal out with my family than buying myself a new outfit.  I don’t even have the courage to admit to the amount of money spent from our budget on eating out.  Let’s just say that I will cut down on our restaurant budget and frequency by at least 20%.  Whew.  That feels like a lot to swallow.  I suppose with my burger cutback, this may happen naturally.

It’s as I suspected, improving something in one category has an affect on other categories.  As mentioned in It’s a Habit!, the average length it takes for something to become a habit is 66 days.  To help me with my goal, I just went and installed the app HabitBull on my smartphone.  Only three of the five changes mentioned are really habit forming.  I added the following habits to HabitBull: daily scripture study, daily morning prayer, and a one burger a week tracker.  The yelling will be managed by the “Yell Jar” and the 20% cut in restaurant budget will be tracked through You Need A Budget (YNAB).

Wish me luck in helping me become who I want to be.  Thankfully, like Oliver in As You Like It, I do believe that I can be converted, as I have seen changes already in my life from what I once was.  What a remarkable thing it is to be able to grow and develop into something more than we are today.  Think of all the opportunities that lay before you, if you just ask yourself, “Who do I want to be?,” and then strive to become that person.

Personal Rant on Blogging

~ Sara W. ~ Leave a comment

Since transferring my blog from Blogger to WordPress, I’ve learned a lot more about Search Engine Optimization (SEO).  What I’ve learned is that I suck at it.  Successful blogging is harder than it seems.  Blogging is easy enough, but being successful at it is another thing.  Of course, you first need to figure out what type of success you are seeking.  Monetary gain or level of popularity?  Coincidentally, the latter naturally begets the former, assuming you have ads running on your blog.  There was a brief point when I wanted to make my focus monetary, but I quickly learned that I lost my greater purpose when I set my sights on profit.  So, while I admit, I would be quite pleased to contribute in bringing income into our home, that is no longer my goal.  So, does that leave me seeking popularity, as my measurement for success?  I suppose any writer dreams of a large following, do they not?  I imagine those that do not keep their writing confined to a journal.  So, yes popularity plays a part in my idea of a successful blog.  However, I tire of what needs to be done to get people to come to my blog in the first place.  It sometimes feels deceptive.  So, today I present to you my personal rant on blogging…

Images

You gotta have them!  Publishing a post without an image is blogging suicide.  The image isn’t just about making the post look prettier, it’s main purpose is to be the catalyst for getting people to come to your blog.  It’s what you put out there on Pinterest and Facebook and any other social media you’ve become a slave to in the blogging process.  It can’t be any image.  It has to be YOUR image, unless you want to fork over money for a stock photo.  I’m sure the money is worth it if you have income coming in, but that’s not the case in my world.  There are rare instances when a royalty free image will suffice, so I shouldn’t gripe too much.  However, an image really isn’t even enough.  It needs to be a high quality image, potentially staged, with some darling text that says just enough to leave the reader intrigued.  So, now it’s not just about the writing, it’s about the hook.  It’s about becoming a better photographer (or finding a better photographer), then learning editing programs (assuming you have any such programs), and then realizing the image becomes half the work in publishing a simple post.  Worst yet, it rarely turns out as you hope it will.

SEO

Blasted SEO!  I liked it better when I lived in ignorance.  Meta description? Focus Keyword? Flesch Reading Ease? Seriously!?  Why is it that I have to follow this set of guidelines just to get readers to even notice the existence of my site?  I suppose I get it.  SEO is just about giving you the upper hand in the great big world of the Internet, but still.  Writing seemed more fun when I didn’t have to word everything in such a way that Google would deem me approved for a top option when a reader searched keywords.  I enjoyed believing that people were sitting in their homes typing words in the search field and First You Must Begin came up as the answer regardless of the topic they were seeking.

Titles & Taglines

It seems every blog these days offers you “5 Ways to…,” “6 Easy Tricks…,” and “10 Trusted Tips….”  If you want to get people to come to your site, you better have a number in the title!  The worst part is that the number thing works.  I hate that it works.  I hate that if I see “8 Ways to Teach Your Kids About XY&Z,” I’ve gotta click on it, as I must know these 8 ways that this random person believes are essential.  I.  Must.  Know.  I fall for it every time.  The other one that kills me, although this is more video related, is the tagline, “What you see next will leave you in tears….”  Really?!  Will it leave me in tears?  I never know if THIS video will in fact leave me in tears, or leave me shocked, or leave me laughing, or whatever other emotion I will most assuredly feel.  Nine times out of ten, I ignore the video.  But if it comes up in my FB feed via friends more than twice, I succumb to their tagline ploys and then curse myself for doing so.

Post Frequency

The worst way to not have continual traffic is to do what I do – post once a week.  It seems you gotta be pumping out the awesomeness virtually daily to keep people interested.  This is where I admire all of those avid bloggers.  How do they do it?  How do they come up with stuff to write about every single day?  Is it original content at all?  I’m learning that I must not be very original, because new thoughts and ideas are not flooding my brain at the same rate as these other bloggers.  I cut myself a little bit of slack, as I don’t really have a concrete topic I’m putting out there.  It’s not like I’m doing a home, or fashion, or travel blog, that has various how-to’s, products, and destinations to discuss.  I’m trying to share insight, insight that comes merely from my personal experiences, and no Masters degree to prove I may have something worthwhile to share.  Frequency will be my nemesis as long as I blog, or at least as long as I have four children to raise.  I’m left with only enough energy to frequently tend to my family.  Blogging will always take a backseat to that.  Plus, I don’t want readers to feel like I’m constantly showing up in their news feed or Inbox with a lengthy post that will just keep them away from living their lives to the fullest.  Lets just take a moment once a week to catch up and then get back to living that purposeful life I’m always talking about.

Actual Content

Once you’ve duped the reader into clicking on to your website, then you have to make sure you deliver on your promise.  I don’t know whether or not I provide the reader what they’re seeking.  That’s for the reader to decide.  What I do know is that this is the part of blogging that I enjoy.  The writing.  Scratch that, not just writing.  The writing of things I believe in, feelings I have, experiences that have helped me to grow, that’s the part I love.  That is my purpose, as it were.  That is what I want more than monetary gain or popularity.  I want to send a piece of me off into the Internet abyss and hope that it will somehow help someone who maybe feels insecure, lonely, lost, hopeless, or discouraged.  And if, by chance, the reader is as confident and happy as ever, my prayer is that one of my blog posts will help them to recognize the opportunity they have to be something more than who they were yesterday.  That is my cause.

Work for a Cause

I don’t need the applause, but it seems as though without a significant amount of applause or techniques to become a top viewed site, my cause might not make it to the reader that needs it.  I suppose though that I do not need to reach many, I just need to reach one.  I recently read that a journalist once questioned Mother Teresa about her hopeless task of rescuing all those in need and her rebuttal was that her work was about love, not statistics.  I stand to learn a lot from that ideal.  I want my writing to be about love, not statistics.  I suppose I’ll have to decide what level of cooperation I’m willing to do with images, SEO, titles & taglines, and post frequency in my effort to spread the love, but not lose sight of my cause.  I can only hope that when a reader finally finds their way to my site that the actual content will be worth the wait.

Worthy of Love and Belonging

~ Sara W. ~ 1 Comment

Last Thursday, I had one of those moments with my eldest that reminded me that I had Enrolled in Parenting 505.  A simple task that I had given my daughter to do turned into a yelling match for some reason I still don’t understand.  I ended up embarrassed by my own role in the argument and hurt by the words that my daughter yelled at me.  It wasn’t pretty.  We didn’t end on a bad note, but the sting of my hurt stuck with me and I went to my room and cried, once she had gone to bed.  It’s moments like these that I wish I could will my mom to be alive so that I could call her and be comforted.  Thankfully, I had the forethought to reach out to another mom who is always good about reminding me of my worth and how we’re all imperfect people trying to do our best.  However, I still somehow managed to forget her words of encouragement as the evening passed and I went to bed with a series of self-loathing thoughts and tear-stained cheeks.  A few days later, I was reminded of something I read in one of my favorite books, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are by Brene Brown, “If we want to fully experience love and belonging, we must believe we are worthy of love and belonging.”

I don’t know how one grows to feel unworthy of love and belonging.  I don’t think there is some statistic that ties such a thing to something like “being breast fed versus bottle fed” and, if there was, I wouldn’t believe it anyway.  You can’t isolate feelings of unworthiness down to one source, so I see no point in trying to figure it out.  But, sadly, I am a victim of believing myself unworthy of love and belonging.  I can say with certainty that these feelings were felt long before any diagnosis of depression or Bipolar II Disorder.  Before you go worrying about me, I know in theory I am worthy of being loved and accepted.  Most of us know that in theory, right?  Also, I don’t want people worrying that I grew up without “I love you” and support from my family, because I did have all of that.  Again, I don’t know the source of these feelings, but the fact is that I somehow have deemed myself unworthy of love and belonging.

Worthy of Love and Belonging

The scariest part of coming to terms with how I feel about myself is realizing that, based on our last argument, my daughter appears to be having a similar view of herself.  My daughter was able to articulate herself in such a way that I knew the source of her words had to do with her feeling unworthy of love and belonging.  While I don’t go blaming my parents for my feelings of unworthiness, I certainly blame myself for my daughter feeling this way.  I don’t know if that’s unfair or justified for me to do so, but if my eight-year-old feels like less than enough, then I cannot separate myself from that.  Now the question is, what do I do with the knowledge that my daughter and I are facing a similar struggle of believing we are unworthy of love and belonging?

There are several points that Brown makes in her book The Gifts of Imperfection, but I think a big one for my eldest daughter and myself is that we confuse guilt and shame.  If I boldly reprimand my daughter, her instant response is to cry out, “I’m a bad person!” or “I’m the worst kid ever!”  Mind you, I have said nothing about her character in my disciplining nor any such thing about her being a bad person or child.  I merely pointed out that she didn’t listen or that she made a bad choice.  She is the one that turns it into, “I’m a bad person.”  I am quick to correct her about the difference between shame (I am bad) versus guilt (I did something bad).  The interesting part is that I find it so absurd that she takes my disciplining and turns it into a five-alarm situation of self-loathing.  But, guess what?  I do that too.  I don’t cry out with wailing and gnashing of teeth, but I sure as heck go to my room and tell myself what a horrible person I am for yelling at my daughter.  Then to make sure I really give myself the proper punishment, I begin to tell myself all the other aspects of life that I am horrible at.  I am a horrible wife, because I don’t prepare dinner.  I am a horrible at-home Mom, because my children watch too much TV.  I am a horrible friend, because I don’t serve others enough.  I am horrible with finances, because I like to eat out.  You get the idea.  I’m really good at this self-loathing thing.  Well, well, well, looky there!  I just gave myself a compliment.  At least we know I’m good at something – shaming myself.

Here’s the best part – I just had this epiphany of the similarities between my daughter and I while I was typing this post.  That’s how blind I’ve been to hers and my struggle.  I recall my therapist trying to teach me the difference between shame and guilt years ago, because she saw that my confusion between the two was having a damaging affect.  I didn’t understand how I was mixing the two up in my daily life nor did I grasp the negative affect it was having on my emotional wellbeing, until now.  I understood the difference in theory, but I did not understand their difference in practice.  Does that even make sense?  It’s the same thing with feeling worthy.  I logically understand that, as a person, I am worthy, but I don’t feel worthy.  Just like I get the difference in the definitions between guilt and shame, but I don’t recognize when I am mixing the two up in my daily life.  I honestly did not get it until this very moment.  ::mind blown::  I am behaving in the same absurd manner as my daughter is when she takes my discipline and turns it into believing that she’s a bad person.  I throw the same fit.  I just do it in a more controlled manner and somehow I’ve convinced myself that that is okay.  Oh my gosh!  I now get why my husband gets so frustrated with me when I share my self-loathing with him.  He sees how absurd it is for me to believe myself a bad person for having made a mistake in a particular moment.  He knows better.

So, is confusion between shame and guilt the only cause of feeling unworthy?  No.  But it certainly doesn’t help my situation if I’m turning my mistakes into a blanket statement of me being an awful person.  It’s no wonder I feel unworthy of such love and belonging.  Woah.  This is a lot to process.  I guess the first step would be to catch myself in the action and teach myself to separate shame and guilt.  My husband is always good about stopping me in my tracks when my self-loathing begins, but he’s not always with me.  He simply says one line, “Put the phone down,” to get me to stop speaking negatively about myself.  His line is in reference to the fact that he once told me that my self-loathing is like having Satan on speed dial, calling him up, listening intently as he whispers all these terrible things about me, and then foolishly believing him.  So when I get going on my laundry list of reasons why I am “less than,” my husband quickly tells me to, “Put the phone down.”  It works every time.  I can be redirected, because in theory I know I am worth being loved.  The breakdown occurs when I’m alone with my thoughts, I pull up my speed dial, and suddenly Satan and I are catching up on old times.

I know that I am loved and accepted.  I’d like to believe that my daughter knows she is as well, as I try to show her often and tell her regularly.  However, she and I both seem to have some miscommunication between what we know and what we feel.  As a mother to this special little girl, I’ve struggled greatly with knowing how to raise her when I feel like I haven’t even figured myself out.  How do you teach a child about self-esteem when you seem to have so little regard for your own?  How do you teach a child about healthy living, when you struggle with proper diet and exercise?  I don’t know the answers to these questions.  My only hope is that open communication with her about my weaknesses and imperfections will help her to realize we are all imperfect individuals, but we are also beautiful and incredible people trying to do our best.  Perfection and worth are exclusive of one another.  I do not have to be perfect to be worthy of love and belonging.  The sooner I can learn to separate the two, the sooner I can help my daughter on her path.  We are all worthy of love and belonging, when we believe that in practice, and not just theory, we will free ourselves up to fully experience those same beautiful emotions.

You Can’t Have a Good Day with a Bad Attitude

~ Sara W. ~ 2 Comments

I recently had the pleasure of surprising my family in Southern California with the selfish desire to hold my newborn nephew.  They were completely shocked to see me at their door and I have the footage to prove it.  This was also my first time ever being away from my kids for more than 36 hours, which made the trip an even bigger deal for me.  I had a lovely time.  Sadly, however, I ended up bringing back a strained AC joint (or so the doctor has diagnosed it), a head cold, and apparently a bad attitude.

You may be thinking the bad attitude was due to my vacation coming to an end too soon.  This was not the case.  It was more due to the fact that I am a wuss when it comes to pain.  I wish I could say I was hardcore like my mom was in this way.  I would listen to her, time and time again, indicate her pain level as a “2” on the 1-10 pain scale.  My Mom was a cancer patient on chemo, I’m pretty sure 2’s don’t exist.  She was bad-ass that way.  Me, not so much.  I’ll say a 4 or 5 right off the bat because I want pain relief and a 2 isn’t going to make that happen.  Being in pain tends to mess with my emotional state as much as my physical state.  I have a hard time separating the two.  If I’m in pain, my head gets stuck on repeat, “Pain. Pain. Still pain. Make the pain stop. Pain. Pain.”  I’m not good at moving beyond it and, as a result, I get in a bad mood.

I didn’t recognize my poor attitude when I first returned home.  I told my husband that my shoulder was hurt and that my head cold was bugging, but I had yet to realize that it was seeping into my emotional state.  I heard myself saying a lot of negative things and bringing up the pain quite a bit, but I still was happy to be home and grateful for my trip and doing well enough despite the pain.  It wasn’t until the first full day home, when I replayed all of my words and actions from the day prior, that I realized I was being a real downer, particularly towards my husband.  I hardly showed any appreciation for all that he did in my absence and all that he did to make the trip possible in the first place.  It wasn’t that I didn’t appreciate him and all he did to keep our home running, it was that I was so self-absorbed with my pain that it consumed me.  Don’t get me wrong here, I’m not excusing my behavior, because I already shared that No Excuses, No Explanations is the way to go.  I just personally needed to figure out what would possess me to be so unappreciative and grumpy towards my husband and life in general.

Once I realized that my bad attitude did nothing for the world around me, I knew my husband deserved an apology.  Is it just me or is it difficult to come forward and apologize?  I find it’s even harder to do so when nobody has even expressed offense having been given.  My husband hadn’t said, “Sara, you’re being ungrateful and grouchy.”  He was moving forward and doing his thing.  So, I had to voluntarily swallow my pride and fess up to screwing up and being a drag.  Thankfully, I married a forgiving man.

My shoulder still hurts and I anticipate that it will continue to do so as it heals over the next week.  However, I’m doing my best to prevent the pain from pulling my mood down now.  You can’t have a good day with a bad attitude, and you can’t have a bad day with a good attitude.  I think we all know this to be true already, I was just given a fresh reminder.  Letting the pain get the best of my attitude, and my attitude get the best of my day, was just making matters worse.  So the opposite has to be true.  A good attitude can only beget a brighter day.

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Perhaps this is why my second eldest never seems to have a bad day?  She walks around with a positive attitude.  So much so that she received a Certificate of Character at school for having a positive attitude.  They announced the winners for each class at an assembly that my husband and I were able to attend.  The teacher had informed us that she would be receiving the award, but she was unaware.  When I heard her name be called for the award, I had to laugh, as I watched her skip happily up to the front.  That’s the type of girl that deserves such an award.  One that skips, and dances, and appreciates, and smiles, and laughs, and embraces the good all around.  Sure, she gets mopey at times, particularly when she wants someone to play with her, but overall she’s a ray of sunshine.  I could stand to learn a thing or two from her, as I strive to have a good attitude that brings forth a good day.

We reap what we sow, do we not?

You Can’t Fix Yourself by Breaking Someone Else

~ Sara W. ~ 1 Comment

I find human nature amusing at times, don’t you?  The first scene of the movie He’s Just Not That Into You is a perfect example.  It shows a little girl being bullied at the park by a little boy.  The little girl then goes up to her Mom to explain the events and the Mom’s response is, “That means the boy likes you.”  Wait, what?  Being mean is an indication of liking someone?!  I recall, in my own youth, being told that if a kid was being mean to me it’s a sign that they are jealous of me.  This brings me back to my first statement that us humans can be an odd bunch sometimes.

My examples above are that of kids, but some of our backwards behavior carries on into our adulthood.  Are you ready for my true confession of discordant thinking?  I take you back to the first year of my marriage.  This is when a disturbing behavior of mine was brought to my attention.  I don’t exactly recall the specifics of how it came about, but I quickly gained the nickname “Red Pen” from my husband.  The name was an indication of my constantly correcting everything he did.  You may recall the orange slicing incident from my previous post Celebrating Differences?  He’d also respond to some of my remarks with a simple, “Put the gavel down.”  This was his delicate way of saying I needed to quit unrighteously judging him or the circumstances around me.  In short, I was being unkind as well as a micro-manager.  The latter being an annoying habit for sure, but harmless for the most part.  Or is it?

It turns out that I was increasing the frequency of my “Red Pen” behavior when I was feeling a lack of control over myself.  I didn’t really make the correlation until I was sitting in a therapy session a few years back.  I was confessing to my therapist that I tend to point out all of my husband’s faults and short-comings.  She, being a therapist, immediately recognized this behavior as a sign of my own insecurities.  My insecure nature had already been recognized as the root of a large portion of my struggles so I’m sure this behavior came as no surprise to her.  Then she pulled a typical therapist move on me.  She went and said something I had heard a million times before, but had never internalized or applied it to myself.  Her response to my confession was simple, “You can’t fix yourself by breaking someone else.”  Wait, what?  You can’t?  Because somewhere along the way I subconsciously made this a truth.  If I wasn’t able to feel good about myself, then surely I could make my husband feel worse or bring him down and that would somehow put me up higher, right?  Wrong.

Oh, how sad of a way to behave.  How terrible I felt when I realized that I had been breaking my husband down in a failed attempt to lift myself up.  I took the therapy session to heart and began trying to right my wrongs immediately.  It must have worked successfully because I was just telling my husband about the topic of this post being that you can’t fix yourself by breaking someone else and he promptly responded with, “You don’t do that.”  I had to remind him of our first years of marriage and then he said, “Oh yeah, that happened.”  Unfortunately, the micro-managing sneaks back in to our relationship when I am feeling less than optimal about myself.  Thankfully, it doesn’t escalate in to me trying to break him down or point out all of his flaws, as I’ve learned to reel myself in and see the situation for what it is.

It’s tough to redirect ourselves from these unhealthy behavior patterns that somehow get ingrained in us.  Obviously, nobody taught me this behavior specifically.  I was not pulled aside as a child and told, “You know what would make you feel better about yourself?  Bringing others down.”  But I did have to be directly told to NOT act in that manner.  And what about the other behaviors I mentioned above?  A kid who bullies being an indication that he likes you?  Or is jealous of you?  Huh?  That is an odd way to show your admiration or affection for someone.  What happens to the person that buys in to that way of thinking and ends up in a harmful relationship with someone who treats them in such a manner?

This brings me to my final thought, which leaves me recalling a line from the movie French Kiss.  The main character, Kate, is frustrated with the manner in which the French share their emotions in an opposite fashion to their true feelings and exclaims, “Happy, smile.  Sad, frown.  Use the corresponding face with the corresponding emotion.”  My final thought echoes that of Kate’s: Let’s use the corresponding behavior for the corresponding results.  If you want to feel better, be kinder and better.  If you want to feel love, show love.  Let’s strive to lift one another up in an effort to make the world a happier place rather than bring someone down under the falsehood that we will somehow be lifted higher.  Let us compliment people and magnify their strengths, not their weaknesses.

I learned that bringing my husband down did not make me feel any better about myself.  I must have been disillusioned into thinking so, as I had made a habit of it, but it was not the reality.  I often felt worse about myself, as I was bringing unnecessary contention into our home.  However, lifting him up and lifting others up around me actually does make me feel better about myself.  Joy begets more joy.  I know this to be true because there is more joy, understanding and compassion found in our marriage now than when I was trying to fix myself by breaking him.

May we each begin to recognize the true happiness that is felt within when we lift others rather than break them down.

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Dear Readers, Thank You.

~ Sara W. ~ 3 Comments
I genuinely enjoy writing, but that has not been the greatest joy that has come from creating this blog.  My greatest joy has come from the comments of others.  Whether they be the comments below the post, remarks left on Facebook, or people coming up to me and referencing one of my posts in conversation, they all brighten my day.  And while the kind remarks I receive are flattering, my favorite part is when I hear someone say, “I’m such-and-such-an-age and I’m still trying to figure this all out.”  I feel like this is one of the best things you can tell another person.  It’s an affirmation to one another that we’re not alone.  It’s each of your comments that reminds me how great the cause is of this blog.  How marvelous an opportunity we each have to embrace and nourish who we are in an effort to be the healthiest version of ourselves.  
On that note, I wanted to follow-up from last week’s post on Everyone Else is Already Taken and

add the sentiment found in this quote by Dita Von Teese: You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches.  The irony of my love for this quote is that I hate peaches.  Even more ironic is that in doing my research to find out who said this, I discovered that Dita Von Teese and I have quite a difference of opinion on the matter of modesty.  I think that’s the most diplomatic way to say that I’m not a supporter of striptease shows.  So lets agree that she can be a peach and I’ll be a honeycrisp apple and we can each be the best version of our heart’s desire.

Speaking of becoming the best version of my heart’s desire, I also wanted to add another blessing I have received by writing these posts each week.  You’ll have to forgive me for this post being centered around myself, but I feel the need to express my gratitude for the gifts that have come from this venture.  Perhaps in sharing the positives that my “beginning” has afforded me will encourage others to begin their own passions.  This blessing that I speak of is the opportunity that each post provides me to rededicate myself to the messages within.  I am far from perfect and yet each week I get to come here and strive to be true to myself.  I have to look at the true beauty of my individuality whether I feel beautiful or not on that day.  I have to remember that I am a Daughter of God with purpose and worth.  And in writing these words, I need to practice these words.  I can honestly say that I struggle daily with so many of the topics I write about here.  But each week, I get to remind each of my readers, and in turn myself, how wonderful each of us are and the gifts that we each have to offer this world.

Thank you for the gift that you have offered me through your comments in reminding me that I am not alone in my efforts to be better with each day.  Here’s to being the ripest and juiciest version of yourself!

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